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american beauty

2012-02-10T05:00:00.001-07:00

But it’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.

the thing is.

2012-02-04T05:50:00.001-07:00

christianity cannot be separated from social justice.
if you call yourself a christian, stop asking yourself whether social justice is something god's calling you to.
i'll give you a hint. he is.

your life ought to be a tangible example of what seeking his kingdom looks like.
my life ought to be a tangible example of what seeking his kingdom looks like.

we should be at the forefront of protests, blood donor clinics, letter writing campaigns, soup kitchen serving lines, teen help phone centres, clean water projects, safe needle injection sites, garbage pick ups, palliative care visits, fair trade education. christians above all others should be known for this.

i know. it's overwhelming. no one can change everything. but for god's sake, choose something. start somewhere. get passionate about something. anything. stop saying "tomorrow", "next year", "when i finish school", "when i have a steady job", "when life settles down". do it now. renew your sense of urgency in the kingdom message. who knows why, but god has entrusted us to be part of his plan. don't take that lightly.

need proof?

isaiah 1:17 - Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause.

micah 6:8 - He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?

proverbs 31: 8-9 - Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all who are destitute. Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy.

1 john 3:17-18 - But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

if you don't call yourself a christian, i'm sorry for the poor job i have done to show christ to you. i promise he is infinitely better, and cares infinitely more, than i. i'm a work in progress. hold me to it, though.

be kind to one another.

wild and precious.

2012-01-19T10:27:00.000-07:00

i love love love my grandma.

2012-01-18T14:45:00.001-07:00

my mom just sent me this email, which my grandma sent to the office of the mayor in 2005. she is a wonderful woman. you should read it. and yes, it was all in caps locks when she sent it to the bronco.

I WISH TODRAW TO YOUR ATTENTION A SCANDALOUS SITUATION IN CALGARY.

WHEN HOSTING"INN FROM THE COLD" IN SEPTEMBER AT MY PARISH OF ST. LUKE'S, ILEARNED THAT, RATHER THAN THE USUAL HOMELESS MEN, WE WERE PROVIDING MEALS ANDBEDS FOR TEN HOMELESS CHILDREN AND THEIR THREE MOTHERS.

LATER IDISCOVERED THAT OF THE 4802 BEDS PROVIDED THROUGH THE CALGARY

"INNFROM THE COLD" PROGRAM FOR THE FIRST 8 MONTHS OF THE YEAR, 2278 WEREFOR CHILDREN.

IN THERICHEST PROVINCE IN CANADA, AND ITS' RICHEST CITY, THIS IS DEPLORABLE.

I URGE YOU TOTAKE STEPS IN THE MATTER OF AFFORDABLE HOUSING TO REMEDY

THIS VERY SADSITUATION.

I AM A LOWINCOME SENIOR, AND I SHALL INDEED BE THRILLED TO RECEIVE THE 400.00 "PROSPERITYBONUS"---BUT TO MANY, MANY PEOPLE WHO ARE WEALTHY, THIS IS NEXT TONOTHING, AND COULD BE PUT TO MUCH BETTER USE IN HELPING PROVIDE

LOW INCOMEHOUSING FOR OUR MANY HOMELESS. NO CHILD IN CALGARY SHOULD

HAVE TO SLEEPON A MATTRESS ON A SHELTER FLOOR.

SINCERELY,GWENDOLYN BONTJE

anatomy of a graveyard shift

2012-01-14T00:46:00.005-07:00

for those who are unaware, i have left the world of triple-grande-lattes behind and have moved on to bigger and brighter things. while i do miss the people at starry-b's (the nickname is one my friend glen came up with. i told him i'd try to spread it, though i'm not convinced it'll catch on), it is so nice to be working a job that matters again. i am now a part-time youth worker in the LOFT program at Avenue 15. We are a shelter for youth ages 12-17 right in downtown calgary. we operate on a night-to-night basis, with youth coming in anytime between 10 PM and 5 AM. and i do mean anytime. we max out at 12-14 people, but the most people i've seen in a night is 6. it's so nice and small, which means i get to connect with every single kid that comes in the door.

as a youth worker, i pretty much run the whole program, with one other staff member. we do all the necessary paperwork, phone calls and connections when every youth accesses the program. i do lots of chatting, lots of calming down crying mothers, lots of conflict mediation, and lots of sitting around waiting for something to happen. i describe it as similar to a lifeguard position. 90% of the time you're not saving lives, but you're always on the alert waiting for that 10% time. because i work in the middle of the night, there's lots of time where nothing is happening. and then there's lots of time when everything is happening all at once. it's unpredictable, exhausting, challenging and incredible. i also describe avenue 15 as what would happen if camp evergreen and the mustard seed had a love child. two things that i love most in the world, combined. i feel so blessed to be working here.

i thought it might be fun to detail a "typical" night here in loft for you (or at least, it'll give me something to do for a little while). "typical" is in "brackets" because there just is no such thing. every shift i've worked here has been completely different from the last. so i'll invent some scenarios and combine all my nights into one night. we'll see how this goes.

9:30 PM. is when my shift starts. get things organized, make sure the cots have sheets on them, get acquainted with what happened the night before.

10:00 PM is when loft opens for the night. from this point on to 5:00 AM, youth can access at any time. most likely we'll have one intake within the first hour. i'll get them to fill out their paperwork, chat with them to find out their story, figure out some kind of a game plan for the next day/week/month... get them a meal or shower if they need one, get them settled, call their parent or guardian to let them know where their child is. this whole process can take anywhere from 10 minutes to over an hour, depending on the youth.

11:00 PM is lights out. we encourage the youth to be settled into their cots by this time. often they don't. the youth that come are often substance abusers, and have often been using. or they are just scared or insomniacs or...any number of things that will keep them up at night. i do a lot of chatting around this time about why youth aren't sleeping.

12:00 AM might see one or two more intakes. maybe they're being brought here by the police, who picked them up from an unstable home situation, or maybe they've run away from their group home, or maybe they're youth who have been coming and going from the program for years. if youth aren't coming in around now, i'll get all my paperwork out of the way as soon as i can, because you never know what's going to happen the rest of the night.

1:00 AM is a very quiet time of night. sometimes. if i'm lucky, the youth who have accessed are settled and sleeping in their cots by now. this leaves me alone in my office, with my coworker in their office, essentially to our own devices for a few hours. around now i will usually text my friend michael, hoping that he's having a late night, so i have someone to chat with for a while. i will attempt to do homework around this time, while my brain is still coherent enough to process academic thoughts. i've usually got some chill music playing quietly (so as not to wake up the kidlets) because otherwise it's tooooo quiet.

2:00 AM is around the time when my brain is no longer an academic brain, and i just need to pass the time. sometimes i'll have chores to do around the house, but often there's just nothing to do. i'm learning to crochet and will probably pick up my crochet around this time. it's a good pastime because it's mindless but also keeps my hands moving, which i've learned is integral in keeping myself awake. this is also usually the latest that a youth will access the shelter (usually) because they know wake-up is imminent.

3:00 AM is when i will allow myself a cup of coffee, the second of the night. i don't want to get addicted to energy drinks or (too) addicted to coffee, so i'm trying not to just consume it all night long. if i'm bored of crochet i will read a book or watch TED talks online. maybe at this time one of the youth has woken up and wants to go for a smoke, or hang out with me, or wake up everyone in the building, or yell at me for not having better beds...anything really. but usually kids who are under the influence of anything will have crashed by now.

4:00 AM is when i crash. not literally, as i still have a ways to go in my shift, but this is the most difficult time of the night for me. no one is awake to facebook or text, and i know i'm almost done, so time just crawls. if i've got any chores left to do i will do them now, or i'll sneak over to helen's office and chat with her to keep myself awake.

at 5:00 AM we sweep, mop, clean the bathrooms and the kitchen. essentially get ready for the day. it's so nice to have something to do that gets you on your feet.

6:00 AM is wake-up time for the youth. not a pleasant experience. it involves a lot of persistence on my part, as well as a lot of grumbling, swearing and falling back to sleep on the part of the youths. they can shower and have a bowl of cereal, if they want. we make sure they've got some kind of plan for the day.

7:00 AM is when the program closes and the youth leave. where they go is not up to us, unfortunately. we can suggest good options and hope and pray they use them. i tell everyone that leaves to "be safe" and that's all i can ask for.

7:30 AM sees my shift finally over for the night. with a load of laundry in, dishes in the dishwasher and everything locked up, i can drive home and crash in my bed for a few hours of sleep. if it happens to be saturday, i get to do it all again in a few hours.

i really love my job. i love the days when it is quiet, but i also love the days when it is crazy and when i am being challenged every hour. even in the dead of night, it's never boring, and there is always the possibility of excitement at any moment. a blessing and a curse.

as much as i can tell you all about it, as helen and i were discussing just an hour ago, the only way to understand a night shift is to experience one. it is an experience, let me tell you. it is now 12:46 PM. 7 hours to go.

resolve.

2012-01-03T09:57:00.002-07:00

1. drink more water (this is always on my list, cause you can never drink too much water, right?)

2. experience mountains whenever possible.

3. loose my fear of being wrong.

4. choose joy, every day.

5. learn conversational spanish.

6. finally move out on my own.

7. treat my body well.

8. be content with what i have.

9. choose books over movies more often.

10. reacquaint myself with my guitar, fall in love again.

11.do something completely terrifying.

12. build up godly relationships with friends and family.

here's to endless possibilities.

2011-10-31T17:54:00.002-06:00

things i learned in cambodia #6

if you let it, time will heal.

i found these beautiful flowers right smack in the middle of the S-21 genocide museum. amid all the horror (it truly was a horrible place) was this incredible beauty. the people of cambodia have been through more than we can even imagine. being in that place gave you a taste (more than i wanted but exactly what i needed) but still my mind can't comprehend going through such an incredible travesty. and yet. and yet 30 years later these are the most joyful, friendly, welcoming people you've ever met. not just some of them. the vast majority of cambodians have within themselves this resilient joy that comes from allowing time and community to heal. i learned a lot about healing in cambodia.

2011-10-13T13:14:00.000-06:00

things i learned in cambodia #5

passion is vital.

passionate people are the best people.

some of the best passionate people i've ever known, at ankgor wat

2011-10-04T22:36:00.001-06:00

a brief hiatus from the regular programming just to say,

we've come a long way.

happy birthday to my dearest jayce w.

2011-10-01T08:20:00.000-06:00

things i learned in cambodia #4:

you don't need to speak the same language to share everything

hahn, my cambodian boyfriend, sokchia, the girl who's smile stole my heart, and i.

2011-09-26T21:02:00.002-06:00

things i learned in cambodia #3

when going for a 2 a.m swim in the ocean with some of the best people you have ever met, take your glasses off before you get in the water.

the gulf of thailand from the beach at sihanoukville, where we spent our second weekend in cambodia, and where my glasses will forever rest in the smashing waves.

2011-09-21T20:32:00.000-06:00

things i learned in cambodia #2:

"my soul finds rest in god alone, my salvation comes from him. he alone is my rock and my salvation. he is my fortress, i will never be shaken" (ps. 62:1-2)

the sunset from outside of my room at tattoo guest house in phnom penh.

2011-09-18T21:33:00.001-06:00

things i learned in cambodia #1:

overcoming fear is way better than never being afraid in the first place

glen, kim, flo and i in the mode of transportation of choice, a tuktuk.

i'm fully aware

2011-09-06T17:14:00.003-06:00

that i am the worst at blogging.

since being back from cambodia, life has not slowed down even a little.
now all of a sudden i am back in school (what??) for my final year of school, praise the lord.

i am fully intentional of blogging a "what i learned" post in regards to my trip, as well as a "what has changed" post. it will happen. if anyone out there is patient enough to have waited all this time and still be reading my blogs, i will do my best to reward your patience.

the thing is (and maybe i'm just going off on a diatribe here) i don't want to feel guilty about not blogging. because let's face it, it's a blog. it is not homework. it is not an obligation. if it starts to become so, probably i should stop. i don't need another thing to check off my to-do list every day, or week, or month.

that being said, i do feel guilty about not having at least attempted to pin down the things i have learned. i don't want to forget anything. how have i been back for so long already?

it'll come folks. promise.

big love.

heartbreak.

2011-07-22T10:37:00.000-06:00

said goodbye to 35 of the most amazing people i've ever met today, including a boy who has an eye for photography but will never own a camera, a girl who's six but looks like she's three, a girl who can draw better than i will ever be able to, a man who smiles with his whole face, a 27 year old blind guy who spends his days with orphans, a girl who is so beautiful she takes my breath away, despite having her head shaved and sores on her neck and head, a young man who knows what he is missing and a girl who doesn't fit in. the people who were once just ideas, "orphans" in my mind are now vibrant, individual people with thoughts and feelings, who laugh and cry and learn.

i also said goodbye to the two first friends i made here in cambodia, two texans with hearts of pure gold and three brits with whom i have shared so much. the next two days will be filled with goodbyes, including saying goodbye to this beautiful country full of resilience, compassion and friends. i know it sounds incredibly cheesy but a part of my heart will always be here in kampuchea.

i'm a sentimental old fool. i cried all the way home in the tuk tuk. listening to jon foreman and just soaking in the now familiar sights of this city and thinking of the lives i have had the privilege of brushing up against in the past month.

being so full of emotion is draining, let me tell you.
i'm off to enjoy every minute my last days here.

love love

breathtaking beauty

2011-07-18T08:57:00.000-06:00

we spent this past weekend in siem reap, which is where the temples of angkor wat are. it was surreal to be there, where so so many people have walked before, and to see the same sights as all those people over 1000 years have seen. it was one of those places where i thought my expectations of the place could never be met, but in fact they were met and exceeded many times over. we saw five temples in about 7 hours, starting with the sunrise at angkor wat. we played hide and seek in one temple where there were hardly any people, which was a definite highlight. there's hundreds of photos from the temples, but the internet is slow here so you'll have to wait till i get back for more. xx

helplessness...

2011-07-18T08:45:00.000-06:00

is really the worst feeling, as far as i can tell. today was a helpless sort of day. one of the youngest girls had such a high fever. she was inattentive during class and quiet (which never happens, hence why i knew something was up). after we finished teaching, she came and rested her head against my arm. she was burning up. we went back to the orphanage and she was clinging to me the whole way - another weird sign, as she is independent and stubborn usually. i got her a cool cloth (cool being relative, as nothing is really cool in cambodia) and put it on her head, but other than that there was nothing i could do. she went to sleep in my lap and all i could do was rub her back as she tried to sleep. i was so sad. being sick is so sucky to start with, but at least i can just take some tylenol and wait for my fever to break. i was thinking about being sick, though, as i rubbed her back, and thinking how when i'm sick all i want is to have my mom there. yes, i'm 21 years old, and a fairly independent 21 year old at that, but as soon as i am sick all i want is to have my mom make things better. it made me so sad to think that she has that same desire but can never have her mom make her feel better. the best she gets is some 21 year old volunteer who's only there for 3 weeks.

a few days ago the littlest boy was just sobbing, and i couldn't figure out why. his sister told me it was because he was hungry. such a simple problem to fix, right? except that lunch wasn't going to be ready for another hour at least, and that all he would get for lunch was a scoop of rice or two with some chicken broth. this would not satisfy his hunger. these kids aren't starving, but they are never satisfied. i didn't even have a granola bar to give him. once again i felt so helpless. all i could do was hold him while he cried until he went to sleep. breaks your heart a little, right?

these kids are amazing. they are joyful beyond all reasonable expectations. they would have every right to be angry and bitter or at least sad, but instead they are caring and joyful and excited. they make it easy for me to forget that they live in conditions we can only imagine. i just wish there was more i could do.

some friends here at the guest house spent yesterday volunteering with some expats handing out food baskets in a village outside phnom penh. they told the most heartbreaking story of a woman they met who was squatting in one of the houses. she has a four year old son and two week old twins. she's so undernourished she can't breastfeed the babies, and her husband just walked out on her, leaving her with nothing. literally nothing. she was starving and couldn't take care of her babies, so she asked the volunteers if they would take her babies. i wasn't even there and i can't even type it without getting shivers. my heart breaks for this woman, and so many others in the same situation. the silver lining, though, is what follows the story about this woman. as the volunteers went next door to give a basket to the woman who lived there, the woman (who lives in the utmost poor conditions) told the volunteers that she could still breastfeed her baby, so they should give her basket to the woman with the twins instead. people are really good, i think.

i know this post is maybe less than chipper, and i apologize for that. i didn't think three weeks would be long enough to get to know and care for the kids as much as i have come to, but it certainly has been. not only do i love them when we are playing soccer or learning english, but my heart hurts for them when they are sad or hurting or sick more than i knew it could. love is powerful, that's for sure. i can't wait to show off these kids to all of you when i get home. i've taken 500 pictures so far this trip, so brace yourselves for the slideshow :)

i love lou

some highlights and anecdotes.

2011-07-13T07:14:00.001-06:00

showers in cambodia aren't really showers. i mean, they are, but it's really just a shower head that you hold onto while you're in the bathroom. there's no stall or anything. it's funny.
it rained today. school is basically cancelled when it rains, as the roof leaks in a big way. it was ironic because we were learning about weather, and just as we finished a huge storm rolled in. the kids loved it. maybe this makes me a bad teacher, but i like when school is cancelled because we get to go play instead. also, when it rains it's finally cool enough to be out in the yard. we played soccer, volleyball, badminton, chase aimee, jump on aimee, jump rope... the boys were just amazed that a girl could play soccer as well as they could. i was soaking wet (it was raining the whole time) and absolutely covered in mud but had such a great time playing with them. they are wonderful.
i also saw a rat today. and by rat i mean monster. without a word of exaggeration, this thing's body was seven inches long. add a tail to that and it was a beast. also, it was less than two feet in front of me. living in alberta, i am blissfully naive when it comes to all things rat, so seeing them here has been a huge shock to me (and huge entertainment for those around me). they really are wretched. this one just ran right past us. the kids laughed at it and chased it. i kept a remarkably cool front, if i do say so myself. but still. yuck.
the kids love saying "i love you". it melts my heart every time. they'll make a heart with their hands and look through it (you know what i mean?) and say "teacher, i love you" in their cute khmer accents. the littlest girl doesn't speak english at all, but they've taught her to say i love you. except when she says it she says "i love lou". i don't know why, but this is the funniest thing to me. i crack up every time.
there's one little girl (who i actually thought was a boy until today) who is just precious. so quiet and sweet, but with a wonderful smile. she hasn't been around for the past couple days because she's been sick. she's also just recently shaved her head because of her illness. she's got some sores on her head and neck as well. my heart broke being with her today. she is usually so joyful and today she was just quiet and sad. it is a hard place to live. i am scared to ask what she is sick with.
speaking of sick, in the past 24 hours i have somehow gotten five cold sores on my lips. five. they're painful, too. apparently you can get them with too much exposure to the sun, so i guess it's my bad. but still. five? ridiculous.
my friend charlotte is in search of a word to describe me. maybe you can help? everyone always laughs because i'm always saying things like "you guys, we're in cambodia right now" or "look how beautiful it is here" or "i am eating a mango from cambodia in cambodia. how great is that?" it's really dumb that i always do it, but i guess the word she's looking for is like nostalgic but for the present tense instead. know what i mean? i literally do it at least three times a day. my friend matt says it's contagious though, which makes me smile.
every one of my students mastered the "th" sound today. we've been working on it for a week straight. we take speaking english for granted, but it's kind of a weird language. i was so proud to see them all say "three" and "weather" correctly.
i never want to leave these kids.

also, it's so lovely to hear back from people that are reading. it makes me realize just how lucky i am to have so much love and support back home. keep it coming!

i love lou all.

my favourite picture so far.

2011-07-10T21:52:00.000-06:00

his name is mooay. he's five. he likes to play cards, but only if he wins.

sua s'dei from cambodia

2011-07-07T10:33:00.000-06:00

we've been without internet for about four days now at the guest house, and i've had so much going on that i haven't had a chance to do much updating. talked to my mom and dad on the phone last night which was so nice. reminded me that i need to be better at updating. so here it is. there's so much i'd love to write, so many pictures i wish i could capture for you. i know none of my words will begin to do justice to what's going on here, but i thought maybe i'd just give you a snapshot of what a typical day looks like around here.

6:30 am. wake up with my roommate, katy. have a cold shower because (a) you're sweltering from sleeping in 30 degree weather, and (b) there is no option for a hot shower. not that you'd ever want one around here.

7:00 am. breakfast downstairs in the guesthouse. i tend to stick with bread butter jam for breakfast. baguettes are almost as plentiful as rice here (a leftover from french colonialism), and the homemade mango jam is just delicious.

8:00 am. take a tuk tuk with justin, who is working with me at the orphanage. it takes us about an hour to get to our placement, and we pick up one other girl on the way. our tuk tuk driver is also incredibly slow, but i don't mind because there is never any shortage of things to look at out the windows. the village where we are working is called andong village. it's a slum, for lack of a better term, full of people who have been evicted from phnom penh. i don't really understand why, but it's about economics (helpful, i know). the houses are literally made from tin, cardboard, bricks, wood planks, palm leaves or anything else you can find. the extent of the poverty is quite overwhelming. pictures will do this justice better, once i've got some uploaded.

9:00 am. arrive at the orphanage. there are about 30 children who call the orphanage home on a part time or full time basis, and probably about 20 of them are waiting at the gate to greet you, grab your hand, jump on your back, etc. their ages are anywhere from 3 to 16, but if you think you know what age they are you should add on about 3 years, because they are all tiny. at this point we walk through the village to get to the one-room school house where we teach english for about an hour and a half. today we were learning about the "th" sound. difficult to grasp.

11:00 am. lunch time. the children are fed three meals a day, but often only eat rice and maybe some snails (which i have yet to try). we are technically on break from 11 to 1, but i usually just play with the kids anyway. they're too great not to. at this point the heat is almost unbearable for a canadian girl like me. sweat is fully rolling down my back. i know it sounds silly but i forget it about when i'm playing with the kids. mostly anyway.

1:00 pm. one more hour of school. it's so hot during this time and there is no air con or fans or anything in the school, so the kids (and me) find it hard to concentrate for any longer amount of time.

2:00 pm. head back to the orphanage and play with the kids some more. playing mostly involves hanging off of me, piggy back rides, horsey rides, chase aimee around etc. they think i'm hilarious for some reason. also i don't think they get many white people at all in the village, and the fact that i'm blonde just adds to it. you get used to the staring after a while though.

3:30 pm. take the tuk tuk back to the guest house where we are staying. immediately shower to get rid of the sweat and dirt from the day. nothing in the world feels as good as this shower, as far as i can tell.

6:00 pm. or something like that, eat dinner at the guest house. my standard meal is fried rice and vegetables. if i'm feeling like a treat i might get an anghor beer or a coca cola light with dinner.

7:00 pm. the rest of the night after dinner is usually pretty chill. there's around 30 volunteers all staying at this guesthouse, so there's no shortage of people to hang out with, have a conversation or walk to the lucky store for a chocolate indulgence. tonight we sat on the rooftop terrace and played spades for hours and hours. the volunteers are from all over the world, and often conversation turns to the differences between all our countries. some aussies today literally could not believe that it would ever get to -40 degrees in canada. they thought i was confused. some nights we'll head to a restaurant for dinner, or go down to the riverfront and have a couple beers at a bar, but for the most part working with the kids all day has us pretty bagged.

10:30 - 12:00 or somewhere in there we turn on the fans, set the alarms and go to sleep so we're ready to do it all again in the morning. it's exhausting being here. we leave the orphanage so tired. but it's amazing. and in the morning i can't wait to be there again. and the kids do a million little things every day that make my heart so joyful. but those are all things that will have to wait, as it's 10:30 and we've got to pack for an adventure to the beaches at seanoukville this weekend. a 3 hour bus ride will be costing us five dollars. i'm really going to miss cambodian prices when i get home.

love you all. thanks for reading, sorry for the lack of posts. if you are reading this, it'd be lovely if you left a comment and let me know who you are :)

lia sun hai (see you later)

ps. i've been spending so much time with brits that i think i'm starting to talk like them already. notice any difference?

cambodia: day 2? 3?

2011-07-02T03:07:00.000-06:00

i admit, i'm a little confused about what day i'm on. having lost 13 hours somewhere over russia, my brain can't seem to keep it all straight. suffice it to say this is my second full day here in phnom penh (which i've learned is prounounced more like nom pen). i don't have a ton of time but here's a bit of what's been going on thus far.

the flight here was long. there's no other word for it. uneventful i suppose also fits. i got here around 11:00 pm cambodia time, only to find that i had no luggage. im quite sure my bag got lost somewhere in the guangzhou airport, as the service there was quite terrible. good news, though, i'm on my way to get my bag from the airport as soon as this post is finished. huge pain and i'm very tired of wearing the same clothes (but a friend lent me a new shirt today, which made a difference). anyway i met my rendezvous and got on my first tuk tuk (motorbike with a carriage in the back for passengers). made it to the guest house very late, everyone was asleep. had a room to myself. didn't really notice anything but how HOT it is here. humid and hot. i feel sticky all the time.

next day i slept in quite a bit as i was trying to get over the jet lag. when i woke up we worked on getting the luggage issue all sorted out. no dice. most people were at their placements during the day, so it was very quiet. hardly anyone around, and those that were around seemed very well acquainted with each other already. checked emails, went back to my room and had a bit of a 'what the heck am i doíng here' moment. being alone is incredible. it's amazing and pushing me so far out of my comfort zone, but i was really lonely for a minute, all the way across the world. luckily i am nothing if not stubborn, and soon enough bucked up and went for a walk around the area on my own.

observations: people use their horns instead of their signal lights in cambodia. the streets are manic. literally insane. there seem to be no rules of the road. it's fun trying to cross the road. you basically just walk out and hope the traffic will go around you. people are also very polite. many people asked if i wanted a tuk tuk or a coffee or any number of other things, but no one was pushy or rude. when i said au-tchung (thank you) and shook my head, no one minded or gave me a hard time at all. this country is full of smells. many not pleasant, and then you pass a bakery or a cafe or something and get a whiff of something wonderful. everything is aromatic.

anyway this is getting long already. when i got back i ended up meeting some other people who had just arrived that day, charlotte and glen and katy. all three are from the UK, but only charlotte and glen came together. we got along right away and we are all staying in a room together. they're really great. i ate fish for dinner for the first time in 12 years!! and i liked it. and my stomach was ok. so two thumbs up for that! we made plans with a bunch of other volunteers to go out to the bar, but i ended up staying here to see if my luggage would come in (which it didn't).

finally, today we all woke up and spent the majority of the day touring the killing fields and s-21, the torture centre during the khmer rouge regime. if you don't know about this act of genocide, for the love of god look it up. it makes me crazy how little people know about it. i can't describe the place to you in words, and i took pictures but am not sure i want to look at them ever again. suffice it to say i will never get those images out of my mind. all day the only thing i could think of was "how on earth did people believe that what they were doing was right?" indescribably terrible.

that basically brings you up to speed. i'm hanging out with so many aussies and brits that i'm finding myself talking like them already. it's amazing here, and feels so surreal. the people are marvelous. the food is scary and delicious. the weather is HOT. i am in love.

countdown to cambodia: three days.

2011-06-26T16:39:00.000-06:00

all this to say that i have found a home and a family who mean so much to me in my nw regional church. that i leave for this trip covered in their prayers and support and in the knowledge that they are behind me. that one year ago none of this would have been even on my radar. that the people my life is surrounded with are there because i have made a concerted effort over the past 12 months to man up and get awkward. to try new and scary things. to do what i am passionate about. to be the person i was created to be. because god blesses us so richly. i could never have imagined this much blessing in my life.

countdown to cambodia: seven days

2011-06-22T16:43:00.000-06:00

ONE WEEK PEOPLE. ONE WEEK.

as per the suggestion of kp, here's a little back story about the trip and how it came about.

i'm assuming the people reading this blog know that i am currently studying development studies at the u of c. no, not childhood development, and no, not city planning and development. the best way i know how to describe it is learning how to equip and help countries, cities and especially communities that are at various stages of development (hint: this includes every community and every country, ever). don't ask me what i am going to do once i graduate, i have no idea. my dream job would potentially be working with free the children, or maybe working in south sudan in an educational complex, or maybe working with a social enterprise that seeks to blend the skills and values of north american culture with the needs of developing countries. i will certainly be working in the field and not in an office. i am passionate about the potential of youth and young people, education opportunities, microfinance, traditional knowledge, indigenous advocacy and social justice. i could go on and on, but that's not what this post is about.

as a 21 year old, it seems to me that i haven't had a ton of opportunity for international work or travel. sure, opportunity abounds if you have the time and money, but those are two things i am usually lacking. i chose to attend bible school for one year after my high school graduation, which was one of the single best decisions i've ever accidentally made, but it also set me back financially and took up my gap year. which is all fine, but i am now on the eve of finishing a bachelor's degree in something that i really don't know if i am any good at.

maybe that's not quite true. i am passionate, and i don't believe god gives real passion without some amount of ability. i know i excel in working with people and forming relationships. i love learning about different cultures and communities. but as far as international travel, i can't even say for sure that i will like it or be any good at it. besides a gut feeling that this is right (and kp told me to trust my gut, so that is worth something). from a purely practical standpoint, having some experience in the field will be of great benefit to me when applying for actual big people jobs in my career field. from a purely non-practical standpoint, my heart is aching to put to use some of the skills and knowledge i've spent the past 3 years in university learning about. being a development studies student is hard. everyone in those classes is there because they have a sincere desire to be a part of something greater than themselves, but we have to spend at least 4 years learning about it instead of doing it. i'm itching to do.

so i made a decision that this year would be a travel year. the idea of backpacking europe or doing an all inclusive trip to cozumel or even australian beaches never even crossed my mind. i'd love to do all of those things, but that's not what this summer is about. my immediate thought upon making the decision to travel somewhere was "where should i go volunteer, and what should i do?". international volunteer headquarters, or IVHQ, has been on my radar for a while, since my wonderful friend celeste went to south africa through them (through them? that sounds wrong. you know what i mean). in checking out their placement options, cambodia stuck out to me immediately. i couldn't really tell you why. i am sure i will spend periods of my life in africa, and south america is certainly appealing. but south east asia just jumped out at me. i know some of the facts about cambodia's history, having done a project about the khmer (cambodian) people in my second year. the loss of a generation of culture, education and of course lives from the communist khmer rouge regime is one of the saddest and least well-known acts of genocide in our world history. the way that the khmer people have worked at rebuilding their lives, their culture and their country is one of the strongest examples of resilience and the human spirit in our world history.

so cambodia. i will be working in an orphange, because i believe in short term development capacity, one of the most effective things we can do is just love people. i'm not going to change the world in 3 weeks. i'm not going to change cambodia. i can change a small part of the lives of 35 people in a rural village in cambodia.

i had been intending to do the trip with a friend. just because it would be a great experience, and who doesn't love great experiences with friends? however, a series of circumstances didn't allow for said friend to come along, which forced a decision onto me as to whether i am really comfortable doing this by myself. it was exciting to come to the conclusion that i am more than ok with going by myself. i know myself. i know my strengths and weaknesses. i know i am an extrovert and that i am good at getting to know people. i know i do well in uncomfortable or unknown situations. so yeah, i'll be ok by myself. it's cool to be able to say that and also to know that a year ago i wouldn't have been able to say the same thing.

well this is getting pretty wordy, but i'll just say one more thing. i've heard from quite a few people that they worry or don't understand why i am not more afraid or nervous. i don't think this is because i am too brave. being brave involves overcoming fear, and if you're not afraid there's nothing to overcome, right? sometimes i am too trusting. sometimes i jump in head first when i should really test the waters first. this is something i love and also hate about myself. sure, i am nervous. i'm nervous about not liking it, or not being good at it, or not having an impact. i'm nervous about doing something wrong or screwing something up. i'm nervous that i will get all the way there and not make any new friends. i'm nervous about coming back to canada and being so appalled by what i see here. i'm nervous about leaving cambodia (and i'm not even there yet. haha). but all those feeling just pale in comparison to the peace and excitement i have about the trip. i said to mf the other day, the only way i can describe it is the absolute peace that comes from knowing that i am doing exactly what i am supposed to be doing. having that knowledge (read: gut feeling) makes it much easier to feel like everything is going to work out, one way or another. does that make sense?

ok. i'm off to return some bottles to the bottle depot and buy some canada stickers, tattoos, pencils and balls from the dollar store to bring to those khmer orphans that i just am unbelievably excited to play with and love for 3 weeks. so long.

countdown to cambodia: nine days.

2011-06-20T09:18:00.000-06:00

from this point until the end of july, this blog will probably be pretty much exclusively about my upcoming trip to cambodia. which, oh yeah, is in nine days. nine days. that's single digits, man. i've shopped and laundered and made lists and read book and anticipated and anticipated and anticipated and all of a sudden it is happening.

except not quite. let's see, before i leave on the 29th, i still have to:

- attend a dress rehearsal
- write a final exam
- sing in two sold-out concerts
- take back approx 200 dollars of bottles to the depot
- spend the night in ponoka
- work 6 shifts
- pack
- attend a barbeque, a going away party, another barbeque
- go to the bank
- get passport photos taken for my cambodian visa
- go to the doctor

...etc.

it's not that i'm stressed about going. it's not that i am worried to be going by myself. i honestly could not be more excited, and fear isn't really even on the radar. there's just a LOT to check off the old check list before i can actually board the plane.

2011-06-12T20:43:00.000-06:00

i'm bad at blogging lately.

i have a sunburn and a backpack ready to be packed for cambodia and clothes that smell like campfire and a camera full of memories of wonderful people and sore calves from climbing mountains and a new song learned on guitar and more new friends.

but i'm bad at blogging.

Source: tissosweetcandy.blogspot.com via Becky on Pinterest

playlist: slow moving sunny saturday

2011-05-21T10:42:00.002-06:00

it is acceptable to use this playlist for:

drinking coffee/tea/water/juice on the porch while reading a book/writing in a journal/drawing in a sketchpad
going for a bike ride/longboard ride
driving around with friends, slurpees optional (but recommended)
walking in nose hill park with a dog and/or a good friend
napping in a sun beam in the early afternoon
dance parties in the backyard
late night hot tub life chats

it is not acceptable to use this playlist for:

music to listen to while your tv show is loading
listening to because you're too lame to do anything else
basement music, or music in rooms with no windows
bad mood music
listen to on minimum volume music
thinking to yourself "i am so trendy for listening to such trendy music". good music is good music. period.

please do enjoy, now that the groundwork is laid down.

1. troubles will be gone - tallest man on earth

2. sealegs - the shins

3. come on my soul - rend collective experiment

4. summertime clothes - animal collective

5. keep shining - shad

6. captivated - shawn mcdonald

7. paper aeroplane - angus and julia stone

8. corbeau - coeur de pirate

9. can you tell - ra ra riot

10. in one ear - cage the elephant

11. cameras - matt and kim

12. love of an orchestra - noah and the whale

13. sheree plett - beautiful

14. streets of heaven (promises, promises) - sam roberts band

15. take off your cool - outkast ft. norah jones

16. make it gold - ohbijou

Source: iheartlove.tumblr.com via Aimee on Pinterest

rainy thursday worship tunes.

2011-05-19T15:09:00.000-06:00

one day i will post more than just music. i just keep finding great music and i want to share it with you.
especially these guys. check out their story. i HATE using the word 'organic' when not referring to vegetables, but i think in this case it might even be appropriate.

2011-05-13T16:47:00.000-06:00

this quote, among many, many other things, came up in an 8 HOUR coffee date with my wonderful friend taylor the other day. it perfectly describes my apathy towards school this past year and my desire to be out of academia. it just feels so lacking, incomplete. yes, it has value, and yes, i do absolutely feel fortunate to have the opportunity to have taken part in academia. but it's not enough. on it's own, it is empty.

asked whether we fell on the 'activist' or the 'academic' side of the scale, my answer came easily: although i find academics enjoyable and challenging, activism is in my bones. academia is a means to an end (although the end in itself is not quite known yet). my goal as an activist is to take knowledge learned in the academic world and put it to use. sure, i'm all for impartiality in study and all that, but i am not willing to allow that to be my life. absolutely i will take sides, have strong opinions and be black and white. well, maybe not the black and white bit. i will certainly see all sides of the story, but i will allow my morality to guide my actions and my activism.

i love school. honestly. if you have seen me in the past year, you might not believe that statement, but it's true. i love learning. i am academically minded, and being challenged in what i enjoy and am passionate about makes me so happy. but, therein lies the problem. as a university student, in my upper years, shouldn't my classes be challenging? now, i'm not talking HARD. there is certainly a difference. if i were to take any sort of math related class, i would find that hard. but that's not the point. to be challenged is to be forced outside of what you believe, what you thought you knew, into a bigger picture framework. WHY is this sort of challenging mentality so hard to find in a university classroom? WHY are profs so willing to spoon feed the facts and have them regurgitated by students semester after semester? why was i in my third year, sixth semester of university before i found myself really challenged?? my friends, this is a broken system.

there's so many things i could say on this subject, but perhaps this rant is enough for today. please, though, help me out with this one. is academia for the sake of academia an empty pursuit? have you been challenged in university/college/bible school/post secondary of any kind? what makes these things relevant?

aye. my head hurts.

briefly, in re: the election

2011-05-02T22:34:00.002-06:00

1. i know i'm not the best at math, but last time i checked, 40% does not a majority make. i for one am tired of such a flawed system.

2. i really do understand that a majority government has its appeal, however, to put a man in power who was found in contempt of parliament and was openly violating the rules of the race is ridiculous.

3. huge congrats to both the NDP and the greens. what a victory, and elizabeth may will hopefully finally be seen as a valid political figure

4. biggest disappointment in the reelection of rob anders. seriously, who votes for this guy? he is unequivocally insane. i'm so tired of living in blue alberta.

5. i look forward to seeing what the future of the country will be under such a different government. i am worried about a conservative majority. this fear comes from my positionality as a student, young person, christian, aunt of a newborn, daughter of parents who are getting older, humanitarian, person who cares deeply for homeless people and aboriginals (etc).

6. i am very glad to see so many of my friends with real opinions and having made concerted efforts to inform others and of course, to have gone out and voted. thanks, friends.

this year's going to be different.

2011-04-30T18:15:00.000-06:00

i know i promised i would get better at blogging once school was finished, but apparently when i don't use blogging as a procrastination tool i don't remember to do so as often. my apologies!

mostly i would just like to let you know that summer is here. and i am so very excited for that fact. and also i am hereby telling you that this year is going to be different. summer for the past couple years has been less than ideal for me because of, you know, life. stuff. garbage. summer is my very favourite season, i love it passionately, but my expectations have not been met lately about summer. but this year, friends, it's all going to change.

we kicked off the season yesterday with a great big barbeque, 2512 style. barbeques are synonymous with summer for me. picture food, drink, excellent company, bonfires, guitars, late nights and ridiculous laughter. it's 100% relaxed, no expectations, just a great crew. it's one of my favourite parts of summer.

i also love summer because it is wedding season! now, i'm not really one of those girls who buys bridal magazines just for the fun of it and watches every bridal show on tv and has my whole wedding planned out. actually, i'm not that girl at all. i like wedding season, though, because i usually have at least 2 weddings to go to a summer (which is weird. i'm 21), and i make every effort to be there when possible. obviously i want to be there to show my love and support for my friends making such a commitment, but wedding are also great because they're often the only time in the year that i get to see old friends from, say, bible school. we can count on, at least for the next couple years, at least once a year get-togethers as our friends all get hitched. as the single, young crew that we are, this basically means sleepovers with friends, taking a ton of photos, getting all dressed up and spending hours with people you love dearly and don't often get to see. throw in a dance and it's magic. i love weddings.

speaking of weddings, next weekend i am heading out to abbotsford to see one of my closest friends from bethany get married. my good friend kerri anne and i are going to drive out, i get to stay with my excellent friend amanda, and then kerri anne and i have decided to make a bit of a road trip out of it! so after abbotsford and the wedding we will head down to seattle! i've never been and can't wait. mostly i love a good road trip, and kdog loves a good outlet mall, so we are stoked. we'll drive back through the US, probably, because why not, really?

in june i'll be attending the wedding of another friend from bethany, dorian. dorian was in 4th year when i was in 1st, so it's an entirely different group of friends than will be at the first wedding. this is excellent because not only will i have the opportunity to see all these people, i can also reuse my dress. ha.

then, once july hits is the most exciting thing ever. i'm heading out to cambodia for 3 weeks!! i'll be going through a volunteer organization called international volunteer headquarters, which sets people up with local organizations in all kinds of countries. i thought i was going to be going alone, which would have been cool, but my great friend mikayla is now most likely going to come with me! she'll come for 2 weeks and i'll be on my own for 1 week, which couldn't be more perfect. we will be working in an orphanage in the capital city of phnom penh. i am so excited to love on those kids. my heart has been in cambodia for a while now. it will also be so great to be able to visit such amazing places as angkor wat, siem reap and of course, the killing fields (no less amazing, much more terrible). this will be my first real experience cross-culturally, and i could not be more excited.

other exciting adventures this summer include as much live music as possible (including shad next week and tallest man on earth last week), working with people i love at starbucks, taking a spring class with the survivor prof (bible and film... so excited/also very nervous) river walks with amy, nose hill park, weekends at the property with good friends, lots of family time, longboarding to church, having friends back in town for a little while, patio lunches.

i hope this doesn't sound like gloating or bragging or something like that. i guess this is just a rambly post to tell you all that i am excited. that i am sure i have put in my dues re: crappy summers and this one is going to be different. that life is so good and i am so blessed. also, if you have any suggestions as to what should be done in 24 hours in seattle, please let me know!

did that rambling make up for my lack of substantial posts lately? i hope so.

here's a happy summer song for you.

happy spring. happy music.

2011-04-25T16:13:00.000-06:00

step 1: watch this great video.

step 2:

Source: sweetandlovelythings.tumblr.com via Aimee on Pinterest

come awake

2011-04-24T20:47:00.000-06:00

he is RISEN and that changes EVERYTHING

moments.

2011-04-23T19:43:00.000-06:00

it's true what they say you know. life is all about the tiniest most seemingly unremarkable moments that when strung together make a portrait of something extraordinary.

this video is a celebration of those moments. here's mine.

cuddling a nephew. taking a nap. pouring a shot of espresso. jumping on a trampoline. having breakfast with friends. moments of recognition. longboards. comfortable walks. long lost friends. great stretches. ping pong. sunrises. vulnerability. petting my puppy. barbeques. evil cackles. green smoothies. sitting on the deck. hot tub life chats. pretending to know how to play piano. jumping.

2011-04-17T18:36:00.001-06:00

sundays are for music.

snowy sunday.

2011-04-17T11:38:00.002-06:00

one more week

2011-04-10T21:00:00.000-06:00

until school is DONE for this semester. getting through this week is going to be tough. i've checked out already, mentally speaking. i will be better at blogging after thursday though, promise. free time?? imagine.

it's much harder to get papers done when my longboard is calling my name and the weather is so beautiful. it's also much harder to get papers done when ridiculous discussions about what the church should look like take place. or when your friends are off to the mountains and invite you along. i can't say no to mountains. or when there is a seriously wonderful one week old boy just down one flight of stairs that you could cuddle.

soundtrack to papers: john mayer - inside wants out (repeat, repeat, repeat)

moral of the story: my life is full of so many blessings. life is so great. see you in a few days.

elliott james.

2011-04-05T13:13:00.000-06:00

i'd like to introduce you all to the new man in my life. i never believed in love at first sight but i now know that it is very much real. i've never felt so much for such a little person. my nephew elliott james cottrell was born on saturday, april 2, 2011 at 11:15 am. he was 7 pounds 2 ounces, which i am told is a nice normal weight. he's 50 cm long, which i am told is quite long. he's got piano player fingers and blue eyes and the littlest bit of light brown hair. his lip quivers when he cries. he never screams and he twitches in his sleep (what do 3 day olds dream about?). he has the tiniest fingernails and perfectly formed ears in the world. people keep saying he looks like his mom or dad but i think he looks like my grandma olga. that might just be because they both have no teeth though. in a completely unbiased way, i think he's the best baby ever to be born.

we're going to be very good friends.

this too shall pass.

2011-03-25T16:32:00.000-06:00

the cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears or the sea - isak dinesen

all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free.

2011-03-19T21:17:00.000-06:00


credit where credit is due: banksy

playlist: groove alone on a friday evening.

2011-03-18T19:51:00.001-06:00

i'm getting better at this whole technology thing. if you happen to be grooving alone this friday evening, now you can sing along, as i figured out how to include the music. go me. today is the first day there's enough pavement to take betty my longboard out for a spin, so that's my hot date this friday eve. and this playlist will accompany us. ahhhh. anyway, groove away young lads and lassies. life's too short not to.

1. mango tree - angus and julia stone

2. happier - a fine frenzy

3. a brokedown melody - jack johnson

4. perfectly lonely - john mayer

5. rain down on me - blue rodeo

6. someday the waves - iron and wine

7. love always remains - MGMT

8. meet me in the city - the black keys

9. dog days are over - florence and the machines

10. clap hands - tom waits

11. day off - freelance whales

12. no surprises (none at all really) - radiohead

13. where do my bluebird fly - tallest man on earth

14. give a little love - noah and the whale

15. the singer not the song - the rolling stones

16. brand new start - little joy

james 3:17"but the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy"

spring is coming. go for a walk.

mind blown.

2011-03-17T18:05:00.000-06:00

just received the following email:

"Hello everyone.

This notice contains NO DECEPTION AND SHOULD BE READ AT FACE VALUE.

As of this moment, our "Compete Project" is officially shut down. All members of the class will receive a full 100% grade on the competition component of the course (20%).

We should have much to talk about next week.

Dr. Bergen"

WHAT?? i know for a fact he's never done this with a class before. why us? did we beat the system? did we kill the system? what happened!?!

survivor update: oh my lanta.

2011-03-17T13:11:00.001-06:00

sorry it's been a while since i updated on the survivor class. oh boy. a LOT just went down. brace yourselves.

so. after being voted out a few weeks ago, i became a jury member. as a member of the jury, i am responsible for preparing the challenges that are implemented each week, which will boost my mark back up from the mark i got when i was voted out (something like 65%). it's a ton of work. you need to know the chapter better than any of the competitors, really. but it's fun. i know i am good at that side of things. i see the task as what needs to get done, and am good at making sure all the pieces get done. this past week i really worked hard. i basically took on the task all by myself. i lost sleep. i skipped class. it was a good challenge, and i was very proud of how hard i had worked (can you see where this is going?)

show up to class. the jury all sits together. the two remaining teams sit together. prof comes in.

blow number 1: the teams are now dissolved. it's every man for himself from here on out.

blow number 2: the jury members are all back in the game. all of them. even the jury members who were kicked off the jury for lack of participation.

blow number 3: the game i worked so hard on creating is not going to be used. at all. ever. instead, we are all given a piece of paper which is sealed shut. the lights are turned out. we are told to think of the tsunami which just occurred in japan, and the ramification of said disaster. we are told this week will emulate said event, as well as force us to examine the social consequences of a disaster of such epic proportions. the point is that our game has become predictable. it's safe. we're not really aiming to survive. we're stuck. that's how life is, we go along, happy-go-lucky, until something totally unexpected happens. we are told we will have one hour to complete the assignment on the page, which basically has us analyse the textbook in light of the earthquake and tsunami in japan. the best 8 submission at the end of class will continue on, the rest of the class is out.

blow number 4: here's what my paper said, when i opened it: "You are a casualty of the metaphorical tsunami that has rolled through this class and you are no longer a competitor in the RELS 343 Survivor Project. Please collect your belongings and leave the classroom. We will see you in class on Tuesday. (An important update has been posted in Blackboard)". so i pack up my things and join the 9 others who were also wiped out, and leave the classroom.

WHAT?? people are seriously unhappy. i mean, it's one thing for me, who was already on the jury, to be back on the jury. it suuuuucks. i really wanted the chance to be back in. really really. but i was already on the jury, so it's not that much of a blow. but there are people who were completely arbitrarily kicked off simply because of the paper they were given who were still in the game. now, from no fault of their own, they're just kicked off? there's also the fact that there were two people who were kicked off the jury because of their lack of participation. they basically did nothing since they were kicked off, and both of them got the papers which allowed them another chance in the game. how is that at all fair? i've been working my butt off, both on the jury and as a competitor, and they just get to be back in the game? they're rewarded for their laziness? huh?

so the game is completely flipped upside down. those of us who were casualties have no idea whether this is it, the final blow, or whether something else is coming. the competitors are completely different now. one entire team was wiped out by the metaphorical tsunami. as far as the important update on blackboard, the only thing i've been able to find is the following:

Bertrand Russell on Nietzsche

Nietzsche, though a professor, was a literary rather than an academic philosopher. He invented no new technical theories in ontology or epistemology; his importance is primarily in ethics, and secondarily as an acute historical critic...His general outlook...remained very similar to that of Wagner in the Ring; Nietzsche's superman is very like Sigfried, except that he knows Greek. This may seem odd, but that is not my fault...

[Nietzsche] attempts to combine two sets of values which are not easily harmonized: on the one hand he likes ruthlessness, war and aristocratic pride; on the other hand he loves philosophy and literature and the arts, especially music...True virtue [for Nietzsche], as opposed to the conventional sort...is not profitable or prudent; it isolates its possessor from other men; it is hostile to order,and does harm to inferiors. It is necessary for higher men to make war upon the masses, and resist the democratic tendencies of the age, he prophesied with a certain glee an era of great wars; one wonders whether he would have been happy if he had lived to see the fulfillment of his prophesies.

He condemns Christian love because he thinks it is an outcome of fear. It does not occur to Nietzsche as possible that a man should genuinely feel universal love, obviously because he himself feels almost universal hatred and fear, which he would fain disguise as lordly indifference. His 'noble man' - who is himself in his daydreams - is a being wholly devoid of sympathy, ruthless, cunning, cruel, concerned only with his own power. King Lear on the verge of madness says: 'I will do such things - what they are yet I know not - but they shall be the terror of the earth.'

This is Nietzsche's philosophy in a nutshell.

So. I'm confused. I'm frustrated with the arbitrariness of the situation. I'm very frustrated that I worked so hard on a challenge for nothing. I'm not sure what the heck the Nietzsche means (anyone have any help for me on this one?) Paul, a fellow victim, says he thinks it's the prof's way of saying "suck it" basically. Nietzsche basically tells us that life is pointless and then you die. maybe that's what he's saying here. or maybe there's something more...?

i get it. life is random. things are unpredictable. but... ugh. this was my chance to get back in the game, and i didn't even get to try. and people who haven't been trying at all get back in? i know, life is not fair. but i've always thought that when things can be made fair, they should be. does that make me an idealist?

we'll see where things go from here.

sidenote: i found out last week that i was voted out because of an alliance that was formed - randomly - by three of the members of the team, and that two of the members didn't want to vote me out, but felt they had to stay true to their alliance. efffff. so frustrating!

but don't answer that.

2011-03-10T09:56:00.000-07:00

coldplay - see you soon

my new favourite: irina werning

2011-03-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

i've got strep throat, which really sucks. i've had to spend the day in bed, which really is good for me but really sucks because i have six trillion things going on and really don't have time to be in bed all day. but it does give me time to tell you all about this amazing photographer i found: irina werning. she created this project where she took hilarious old pictures of people and recreated them with the same people, just grown up. the result is not only awesome but poignant and clever. i think she's rad. here's some of my favourites for you, but you really should check out the Back to the Future Project at irinawerning.com.

wonderful, right?

perspective.

2011-03-02T16:30:00.000-07:00

Source: tumblr.com via Abbey on Pinterest

optimism.

2011-02-26T18:25:00.001-07:00

amazing stuff.

2011-02-22T09:37:00.000-07:00

i have to tell you about the opportunity i had last monday.

craig kielburger was speaking at the university, and i was privileged enough to be able to attend with my friend chelsea.

if you don't know, craig kielburger is the founder and co-director of free the children, which is the largest youth run non-profit organization in the world. what's amazing is that craig started FTC at age 12. he read an article about child labour in the newspaper, brought the article to class and challenged his classmates to help him do something about it. and so free the children was born. now, 15 years later, they have built over 650 schools across the world. their development is sustainable, it's grass-roots, it's education focused and it's youth driven. it's everything i love about development all in one package. and it really really works.

craig and his brother mark have also founded me to we, which is a social enterprise which harnesses the power of the consumer into good for the world. it's similar to toms shoes, if you've heard of them.

craig talked about the power of youth and young people. he spoke of how we all have something which we are passionate about, and we all have unique gifts. he talked about our power as developed nation consumers. he talked about the need for people to get out there and do things. change the world. can you tell i was inspired? (read: bawling and maybe falling in love a little). it was everything i've thought about development, and more recently it's everything i've been planning with some friends, fleshed out and affirmed through one person who has lived it.

afterwords, chelsea and i got to meet craig. there were people all around him, he was obviously busy, but he was so genuine. all of his attention was on you while you spoke, and he was really interested in what you had to say. he made eye contact and was just incredible. it was truly a dream come true. we took a picture as well, which i will share even though the flash didn't go off so it's crappy, because i'm really proud of this moment.

the crappy quality is super disappointing, but it doesn't matter. if my life goes the way i hope it will, the won't be the last time we meet craig kielburger.

what was really interesting was the realization i came to as i was thinking about this meeting. in talking to some people about how influential his speech had been, i came to realize that my love for free the children stems much further back. when i was in the 7th grade, we had library period (you know, the teachers force you to choose a book you'll pretend to read) and i found craig's first book about how FTC was formed. it had never been read. i tell you with all sincerity that i can remember vividly reading the first page and sitting on the floor in the library in tears. i was floored. i couldn't believe i had lived for 12 long years and never known about this. i took the book out. my teacher said to me "aimee, i'm not sure that book is appropriate for someone your age" (it was very explicit about the working conditions of child labourers). to which i replied "he was 12 years old when he started this organization. i think it's appropriate". and in all honesty, i believe it was that book, that moment, that made me realize development would be part of my life. i didn't know then that i would pursue it as my career, as i still wanted to be an actress for 6 more years. but i knew this would be something that my life would be about. all because of that one book. when i told my mom that, she told me she not only remembered me coming home with that book and talking about it non-stop, but she says that was really the time when i started changing the way i was living, and when i started to become the little social-activist hippie i am today. grade 7. crazy, hey?

so now maybe you understand why meeting craig kielburger was such an intense experience for me. this man, essentially, made me who i am today. it was wicked. all in all, it was a huge affirmation that this is in fact where i am supposed to be, as well as that my thoughts and dreams are (hopefully) headed in the right direction. it was mind-blowing. i had to tell you all about it.

if i could tell you the one thing i got out of it, this is it: you have passions. you have dreams, and you have gifts. stop dreaming about changing the world. start living it. make it happen. yes, you will make mistakes and things will fail. but the ultimate failure is never trying at all, right? (holy i am cheesy today. you can tell i was impacted, because i tend to be quite cynical as a development worker).

here's a short clip showing craig's beginnings with FTC. what a guy.
sorry this is ramble-y. it was really really great.

playlist: missing the girl who loved life the most.

2011-02-21T17:38:00.000-07:00

1. your ex-lover is dead - stars

2. here comes the sun - the beatles

3. you angel you - bob dylan

4. wild horses - the rolling stones

5. mellow mood - bob marley

6. brown eyed girl - van morrison

7. nineteen - tegan and sara

8. and it stoned me - van morrison

9. sunshine - atmosphere

10. green eyes - coldplay

11. fast car - tracy chapman

12. new slang - the shins

13. blackbird - the beatles

14. penny lane - the beatles

15. harvest moon - neil young

16. love life - atmosphere

yeahhhhh

2011-02-18T09:36:00.002-07:00

new radiohead album released one day earlier than anticipated. i'm in love.

the tribe has spoken.

2011-02-17T12:41:00.000-07:00

yep. three people voted off this week, one of which was me. i'm disappointed but determined to get back in the game if i can (if you're not watching this season of survivor, there is a redemption island clause that allows the people voted off to battle for another chance in the game. our prof is considering adding this to our game).

i love games, i love competition, and really did want to win. i thought i was a strong competitor, but played a weak game today, which obviously made a difference. sure it's disappointing but it's still class you know. i'm not going to lose sleep over it. plus, it's a load off not having to worry about it every week, right? that's what i'm telling myself anyway.

c'est la vie say the old folks.

love everyone day

2011-02-14T17:18:00.000-07:00

so here's the deal.

yes, valentines day is a holiday created by hallmark for the purpose of suckering us into buying lots of crap we don't need. fine. but it exists, and pretending it doesn't is silly.

if you are in love with the best person you can imagine and couldn't be happier, that's great. absolutely take this day to celebrate your love and to enjoy time together. by all means. i have no qualms with that. what i don't understand are the S.A.D people. singles awareness day, or whatever it stands for. people spend the whole month of february unhappy, bitter and depressed. because apparently the consumer industry tells them that they're not good enough because they haven't found someone to spend their lives, or at least their present with. if you don't have a significant other with whom you are romantically engaged, you're not worthy of this expensive holiday. what? no. you're wrong. i am here to tell you that.

yes, i've celebrated v day with a loved one, and it's rad. it's a great time. but not being with someone on v day is also really really ok. why do people allow "the outside world" or "the man" or whoever it is to dictate how they feel about themselves?! that's just ridiculous! why would you allow that? that's crazy man.

love is great. love is absolutely necessary for human survival. of this i am sure, and not just because the beatles told me so. but since when does love only mean romance? or spouses or boyfriends or girlfriends or non-husbands or whatever your label may be? i am very fortunate in that i am completely surrounded by love in my life. there's so much love going on around here i don't know where it all fits. so why would i feel inadequate for not having someone on my arm tonight? why should i feel bad that my valentines plans were work, napping and going to tehillah with some of my most loved people? my life is more than adequate!

so i'm not down for what we've decided valentines day is, and i'm not down for moping and being bitter about single awareness day. instead, i've created my own holiday. it's called 'love everyone day'. it involves loving everyone. that's all. just expressing how much i love the people in my life. from my dad who came to my work to bring me a box of chocolates (aww) to the e-card my mom sent, to the text message from my best friend to the customer who is a few cents short on her order. i told my friend morgan that i was celebrating love everyone day, and she said 'don't you celebrate that everyday?' to which i replied, 'yes, but this day involves candy'.

so, friends, whether you're happily married, bitterly single or somewhere in between, i encourage you to take part in love everyone day. i promise you will feel better about... everything, really. also, i would like you all to know that i love you dearly. even if you're some random i've never met before who just happened to come across my page somehow, let me assure you that you are loved and you are much more than adequate.

also, check out my friend arielle's cover of a vday song. she's just the most wonderful.

happy love everyone day, loves.

survivor update: week 3

2011-02-10T12:27:00.000-07:00

still no sign of the immunity idol. i thought i had another lead but i don't know how to connect two and two.

our challenge this week was to diagram the thought process of the chapter we had read on a poster board, with a list of terms that had to be included. our tribe did fairly well, but we had a lot of trouble making everything flow. we ended up as the bottom of the three tribes, and in seeing the other tribes' posters, it seemed fair to me. we were the weakest. so we had to go to tribal council. 2 votes for vlad, 2 votes for me, 3 votes for nick. nick is the first person we kicked off the team.

i'm not going to lie, it's hard not to take it personally. i know there is one girl on my team who doesn't like me (she's type a hardcore and i'm...not. plus we're both natural leaders). but two people voted for me? why?? i thought i was playing the game really well. i show up prepared and make sure we get things done. i fricken saved our tribe's butts last week when we couldn't get it together. why don't people like me? i think i'm a likable person. plus i'm working really hard for this team! what more do they want??

i know i didn't get voted off so i shouldn't be complaining. i just don't understand! this game is messing with my mind.

i do think, though, that our team got overly confident. we were the only tribe to have not been to tribal challenge, and we let it get to our heads. the other two teams, having lost people, have stepped up their games considerably in order to avoid going to tribal council again. we need to stop feeling invincible and start working harder. it's not about just getting it right, it's about doing it the best.

ok. i've ranted sufficiently. more to come next week.

observations.

2011-02-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

i found a little link that allows you to see how many people view your page each day, week, month... apparently i average out around 22 people a day. WHAT? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?? i would have guessed...2. That's weird.

also, i have 701 bob dylan songs on my itunes. this makes me laugh. i love that man dearly.

it's incredible how much of a difference being in classes you care about makes.

i've been blogging a lot lately. this is not because i have more spare time. i just keep running into songs or stories or quotes that i want to share. plus it doesn't take much time at all, it's relaxing and apparently people are reading it? seriously, who are you people?

i'm in the mood for an adventure.

anyway here's one of the 701 dylan songs on my itunes. he's just magical, isn't he?

a little audio/video stimulation

2011-02-08T18:31:00.002-07:00

these guys are called the national parcs, and they're lovely. hope you enjoy.

2011-02-07T13:22:00.000-07:00

Source: via Abbey on Pinterest

happy sunday

2011-02-06T08:27:00.001-07:00

être ici maintenant means 'being here now'.

here's sondre lerche's cover of animal collective's 'bluish'. it's lovely.

playlist: driving with a best friend in the mountains on a beautiful sunny winter day

2011-02-04T18:05:00.000-07:00

1. right as rain - adele

2. sunshine - atmosphere

3. music my rock - bedouin soundclash

4. up to me - bob dylan

5. two shoes - the cat empire

6. katmandu - cat stevens

7. robots - dan mangan

8. shine - david gray

9. saturday morning - the eels

10. home for a rest - great big sea

11. california - hey ocean!

12. don't fear - the honey trees

13. i'm yours - jason mraz

14. free bird - lynyrd skynyrd

15. in these arms - the swell season

16. crazy love - van morrison

outwit, outlast, outplay (or something like that)

2011-02-03T13:36:00.000-07:00

anybody here still watch survivor? no, i didn't think so. i watched the first two seasons, when everyone was watching survivor. there have been a ridiculous number of seasons since then. i think 19. that's a lot. apparently people still watch. and yes, there is a reason i'm talking about survivor. believe it or not, it's very relevant to my life right now. no, i am not writing to you from a deserted island. let me explain.

i'm taking this class. it's called Religion and Social Morality. it's taught by an off-the-chart insane, brilliant man who i have a feeling is a former mennonite. essentially, the class is all about deception. it's about moral codes and whether they're universal or culturally created. it's about why we behave in certain ways or why we choose to act according to arbitrary laws. it's about whether the laws are arbitrary. as far as i can tell, it's not really about religion at all. it's absolutely fascinating.

this is not a class where you sit in a lecture and take notes. oh, no. the class takes place on tuesdays and thursdays, and every thursday we play a game of survivor. we are split up into three tribes. each class there is a challenge. the losing team of the challenge has to go to tribal council, where one member of the tribe is voted off. your grade in that portion of the class is based on how far you go in the game. insane, right?

the challenges are not about eating bugs or whatever they do on survivor. they're based on our textbook, which is based on the concept of deception.

sounds fairly straightforward, right? here's the thing, though. if you've watched survivor, you know: the people who last the longest are usually those who are willing to do anything to win. anything including making/breaking alliances, cheating and of course deceiving. you have to play it dirty in order to get ahead. or so it's thought.

and therein lies the moral dilemma. do i cheat and lie in order to get the 'a' that is given to the winner of the game? do i stick with my morals and risk lowering my gpa? and if i choose not to deceive, why? everyone knows it's a game. everyone understands when someone on survivor is deceptive. they don't like it, but it's a mutually agreed upon condition of the game. it's not real life, the consequences go no further than this person's academic standing, and even then they have the chance to earn their way back. so...why do what i believe is morally right?

i hope you're starting to understand why i've got a headache and am perpetually tense on thursdays. it really makes you reexamine why you act the way you do. sure, right now we're in teams and therefore i just need to work really hard and make sure my team doesn't go to tribal council. but eventually the teams will be disbanded and the game will be every man for himself.

the class forces you to rethink everything. the prof noted that we're going to want to think about what we wear when we come to class, who we sit with, what we say or don't say... all these things will have an impact on how the game plays out.

i think i've decided to play it straight. i feel like having a solid idea of what my stance will be will help me to keep it so. but still...why? i think. i think i believe that people deserve to be treated well, regardless of what's in it for me. i think i believe people are moral agents and ought to act as such. but...it's a game. who cares? does it make me a worse person if i choose to deceive people within the framework of the game? i really don't know. i believe i am a strong contender in regards to knowledge and playing the challenges well. i think if that's all it were about i would go quite far. i think my 'real' personality is genuinely...nice and people get along with me well. i don't want to suck up to people and be completely fake in order to seem nice. for one, no one likes a brown noser. plus that's still deception. ugh.

here's an example. maybe it will help you understand the game a little more. last week, two of us were chosen (pretty much arbitrarily) to do part of the challenge out in the hallway, away from the rest of our tribe. at a designated time we were to return back to the classroom to combine our ideas with our group and be ready to present. when this guy and i got outside, our sheet of paper had an immunity challenge question on it. if we answered the question correctly, we both got immunity and couldn't get voted out if our tribe went to tribal council. the question wasn't easy. it required reading and thought and analysis. so... do we ignore the question, work harder on our team portion and hope that, in doing so, our team won't have to go to tribal council? or do we ignore the team portion, focus on the immunity question and screw our team over, but with the hope that we will get immunity and won't be voted off? oh, the moral dilemmas.

here's a funny little twist. apparently somewhere on campus is a hidden immunity idol thing. i say thing because i have no idea what it is. this week, on my question paper was a little handwritten note that said 'over'. and on the other side of the paper: 'i can be found hanging out with the writer whose name was mentioned in a bonus question on the first midterm'.as far as i know, i'm the only one who (randomly) got this clue. i thought i knew. i thought i had the perfect idea of where it would be. but if i don't know what it is, how am i supposed to know if i've found it or not? and how do i know if someone else has already found it? it's a big fricken campus! so i got to where i thought it was, which is where i am now, and i am sure i looked 100% nuts as i scrounged through the foliage and looked inside empty timbits containers. i don't think it's here.

here's what i know. the class is fascinating, and i'm learning so much about how people behave and react. i will spend so much more time on this class than any other class this semester. this class is hard on my mental health, and i am very tense coming into this class. but i think i love it. i think.

i will keep you all posted on how the game progresses, and would love to hear your thoughts on the class/the game. how would you go about playing the game? would you deceive? play it straight? quit the class?

read this. over and over and over.

2011-02-02T19:35:00.000-07:00

"Dear Child of God, I write these words because we all experience sadness, we all come at times to despair, and we all lose hope that the suffering in our lives and in the world will ever end. I want to share with you my faith and my understanding that this suffering can be transformed and redeemed. There is no such thing as a totally hopeless case. Our God is an expert at dealing with chaos, with brokenness, with all the worst that we can imagine. God created order out of disorder, cosmos out of chaos, and God can do so always, can do so now--in our personal lives and in our lives as nations, globally. ... Indeed, God is transforming the world now--through us--because God loves us."

"We were made to enjoy music, to enjoy beautiful sunsets, to enjoy looking at the billows of the sea and to be thrilled with a rose that is bedecked with dew… Human beings are actually created for the transcendent, for the sublime, for the beautiful, for the truthful... and all of us are given the task of trying to make this world a little more hospitable to these beautiful things."

- Desmond Tutu

joy.

2011-01-30T16:14:00.000-07:00

there are few things in this world i love more than photos of people laughing. they are just so full of joy and honesty. people usually look "awful" in them, with double-chins and squinty noses. or maybe that's just me. but that's part of what i love so much about them. they're real - people look ridiculous while they are laughing. it's great. here's some of my verr favourite laughing photos.

there really is no point to this post, other than to make myself (any maybe you?) smile. happy sunday.
the end.

i'll run into your arms.

2011-01-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

every once in a while there is a worship song out there that absolutely resonates. this is one of them. it's called forever reign, by hillsong. the line "you are god, you are god, of all else i'm letting go" comes to me daily. what a thought. i'm letting go of everything. i'm done worrying and stressing and accumulating wealth. i'm letting go of everything other than the one solid fact: you are god. that's all i need.

You are good, You are good

When there's nothing good in me

You are love, You are love

On display for all to see

You are light, You are light

When the darkness closes in

You are hope, You are hope

You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace

When my fear is crippling

You are true, You are true

Even in my wandering

You are joy, You are joy

You're the reason that I sing

You are life, You are life,

In You death has lost it's sting

Oh, I'm running to Your arms,

I'm running to Your arms

The riches of Your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to Your embrace

Light of the world, forever reign

You are more, You are more

Than my words will ever say

You are Lord, You are Lord

All creation will proclaim

You are here, You are here

In your presence I'm made whole

You are God, You are God

Of all else I'm letting go

My heart will sing,

No other name

Jesus Jesus

here's a link to the video, which i can't embed but is very great.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=au3EGgISYMc

yes.

2011-01-27T15:49:00.002-07:00

necessities.

2011-01-23T23:58:00.003-07:00

"what wings are to a bird, and sails to a ship; so is prayer to the soul"

- corrie ten boom

2011-01-19T14:55:00.001-07:00

2011-01-16T12:50:00.000-07:00

wish i had a better way of immortalizing you.
you were joy itself. you fought hard. keep it real up there.

remember the sabbath day, and keep it holy.

2011-01-16T10:23:00.000-07:00

here's the deal.

i'm in the process of searching for a home church. there's lots of reasons for this that don't need to be explored here and now, but the gist of it is, i'm in need of a church that i can call my own. that's something i haven't had in quite a while. i'm very fortunate to have two of my closest friends in the process with me. this means that there's three of us trekking out every sunday morning, as opposed to just one of me, which is intimidating and scary. this week, though, they're out of town. i contemplated all my options: go to church with my parents, go to my friend matt's church, go to mikayla and mike's church, go to a new church on my own, go to dalhousie, go to a big enough church where i can just blend in... lots of options.

instead, i didn't go to church. i stayed home. i'm not sure i can articulate all the reasons why, but i think it's important, so here's me trying.

it is scary to go to a new place by myself, but having something be scary is never enough to stop me. i thrive on overcoming fears. i love it. instead, though, this is about feeling lonely again, i guess. not having a church is similar to not having a home. everyone else has one, and i feel silly about being this 21 year old christian who has no church to go to. i'm not settled in any aspect of life, and i love that, but this is one thing where it's nice to be settled. it's nice to have those roots. of course the church i grew up in is always open, and my parents will ask if i'm coming with them every week. but it doesn't feel like home anymore. well, i guess it feels like the home you grew up in but grew out of - grew too big for. it's still comfortable and easy, but it's not where i live anymore.

i know this is a bit of a christian cliché that everyone in their teens/twenties goes through, but i didn't want to be going to church just because it's what i'm supposed to do. i think obligation is important. i think being reliable and setting up routines for ourselves is very important. it's these routines that we establish now that will carry us through our lives. but if going to any of the churches i mentioned above was going to make me uncomfortable or unhappy or lonely or anything like that, why would i go? that's not the point of the sabbath. (sidenote: yes, i know, technically the sabbath is saturday. but hey, culture changes, and i don't think there's anything wrong with that).

so what is the point of the sabbath? is it more than going to church? is it more than saying to my manager at starbucks that i can't work on sunday? well, yes. it is. the point of the sabbath is god reminding us that we work for him, and not for anyone else. that he delivered us from exile, and therefore we are no longer slaves. whether that be in egypt, babylon, assyria or any of the personal exiles from god that we experience in our lives. our only master is god, and he wants us to take the time to think of and thank him. he wants us to relax and enjoy being children of god, being free. what a great god we serve!

i really believe church is important. it's the institutionalization of our community of believers. it's our brothers and sisters under one roof, in communion and in community, practicing this art of worship together. it's a place for dialogue, for challenges, for encouragement, for teaching. yes, the church is majorly flawed and corrupt and blah blah blah. i stand by the church, and i am committed to finding one that i can really believe in, warts and all. but today, it's not that i don't want to get out of bed. it's not that it's too cold or i'm tired or have too many other things to do. i just don't think church is where i should be this sunday morning.

instead. while it's tempting to tackle the huge to-do list i've got going in my brain, because this is a whole free day, i know that's not the point. while getting back into bed and doing the 'mattress menno' thing is also seriously tempting, and i could probably rationalize that it's a day of rest... i know that's not the point. instead i've spent some time contemplating the sabbath, which is a good start. i'm off to shower and make myself a cup of tea, then really get into my bible for the first time in a week. i'll do some journaling. i'll play my guitar, which always makes me feel close to god but which i never do enough. and yes. i'll do the grocery shopping my parents asked me to do. but that's because we are celebrating christmas with friends tonight, and are cooking lasagna. it's not work, it's worship.

i'm not advocating spending every sunday at home alone and never going to church anymore. i sincerely hope that isn't what you got out of this long-winded note. i guess what i'm saying is, what does your worship look like? is it going to church? is it spending time with your lonely grandma? is it going snowboarding in the mountains, or for a drive by yourself? is it playing with your dog and listening to a sermon online? what god wants is for us to remember who we serve, and to thank him for that. for one full day a week.

is that so much to ask?

what's on my mind.

2011-01-15T19:44:00.003-07:00

no matter how much you love jesus, it's still easy to be lonely. best friends are very valuable. sometimes faking it till you make it really does work. being alone is ok. the smell of baking cookies makes everything better. nothing's easy about starting over. the sound of my father whistling. sometimes i still wonder what would have happened if i had tried acting professionally. laughing for no reason is the most wonderful. they eat fried spiders in cambodia. india india india. giving things up to god, no matter how important they are. i love singing in a choir again. violin songs for tim. i've been in calgary since dec 31. that's a long time, for me. where should i go next?say what you need to say. when is the weather going to turn? new york, i love you. happy birthday, kevin. i'm missing the ocean. sneezing is so satisfying. will i backstab in a game to get a good mark in class? mountains. praying really makes a difference. wild horses couldn't drag me away.

things you need to know.

2011-01-12T08:53:00.000-07:00

this is going to get long, so be warned. but i promise, it's really important, so please read it.

1. today is one year since the earthquake in haiti. with the recent cholera outbreak, help is needed now just as it was one year ago. just because you don't see it on tv every day now doesn't mean the devastation is no longer happening.

2. there is a referendum going on in sudan right now. did you know that? sudan is the largest country in africa, the under 5 mortality rate in sudan is the highest in the world, the civil war (not the conflict in darfur) has been going on for over 30 years. and yet people know nothing about it. sudan has a huge place in my heart and i've been presented with many opportunities to be a part of helping sudan in some small way. i'm pretty sure i will end up in sudan at some point in my life, and potentially soon-ish.

the referendum could potentially split the country into northern and southern sudan, two separate, independent states. if you want my opinion, probably splitting the country makes the most sense. but there are so many huge complications to go along with it. the south, because of the civil war, does not have the infrastructure to support the millions of sudanese who are flooding back into the country in the hopes of starting their lives over in their hometowns. there is enormous poverty, malnutrition, waterborne diseases... these are cattle-rearing people, and without the cattle to tend, the men don't know what to do with themselves. their land is fertile and able to be cultivated, but few people have adequate knowledge of agriculture.

there is also the big O word - oil. sudan is very rich in oil, but almost all of it is found in southern sudan. northern sudan will not be happy to lose their profits from the oil, and i suspect they will not let go easily. of course, the oil doesn't really belong to the sudanese - that would be much too easy. china has stake in the sudanese oil. which just makes things complicated and messy.

finally, it is most likely that shari'a law will take place in northern sudan if the referendum to seccede goes through. this is a scary thought. bashir, the current president of sudan, has made it clear that the southern sudanese that remain in northern sudan after the splitting of the countries will have their citizenship revoked, will not be able to own land or businesses, will basically lose their livelihoods, if not their very lives.

basically, no matter the outcome, real peace in sudan seems far away and hard to attain. things are going to get worse before they get better.

i know sudan is a zillion miles away and doesn't affect your life at all. maybe there's no real reason for you to care, but i am asking you to care anyway. take five minutes and at the very least educate yourself. find out what is really going on. don't just take my word for it either. read the news! here, i'll make it easy for you. BBC has an informative QandA that can be found here.

here's a film which was created by IRIN, a humanitarian news network based out of nairobi, kenya. it's very comprehensive.

http://www.irinnews.org/film/?id=4457

maybe this sounds bleak. maybe you think i'm a huge pessimist. i assure you, i am not. i fully support the referendum. it's been incredibly empowering for the people of southern sudan to finally feel like they have a voice. i just feel that we as the interational community ought to be well-informed as to what the consequences are going to be, in order to be able to help our brothers and sisters in sudan as much as possible. yes, believe it or not, this includes you.

anyway, thanks for sticking it out, if you made it this far.

dreams be dreams - jack johnson

2011-01-08T23:02:00.000-07:00

dear friends, or whoever reads this blog.

it is gross out. there is a blizzard and it's very windy and cold.

as part of my not hating winter, i'm staying inside tonight. if i go outside, i might fall back into hating it. instead of going out, i'm sitting by my electric fireplace. i've got a cup of chamomile beside me. the tv is on to the buried life, which is, in my opinion, a very great show. i've got a blanket and a cuddly dog to keep me warm. the cuddly dog and i are sharing a bowl of kettle corn. i'm doing well.

on a night like this, there's really only one thing to do: plan my dream life. and i've decided to let you into my dream life, blog world people. get ready for it.

1. i've decided the place to be is oregon. i need mountains and i need ocean. today i was watching charlie st. cloud, and i'm pretty sure that it takes place in oregon. i fell in love. i googled oregon. i fell in love even more.
here's a picture of oregon.

mountains, ocean. the end.

2. next, we need a location within oregon. obviously, the coast is the place to be. thanks to wikipedia, i found out that the mountanous part of the coast is the south coast. then, i chose the city with the best name: coos bay. bingo. it's the biggest city on the oregon coast.

hello, hometown.

3. i suppose i'll need a house. as you know if you read my life list, one of my oldest dreams is to have a log cabin on the ocean. and while i'm dreaming, i might as well show you exactly what my dream house would look like. you'll have to click on this link to see it fully, but let me tell you, it's a thing of beauty. high ceilings, open concept, a LOFT, many windows, huge porch for barbequeing... i am in house heaven.

4. property. it's not a complete fake-life unless you cover all your bases. this is the land on which i will place my dream home.

5. i will need a job to pay for my beautiful dream home on the ocean. the closest homeless shelter is in eugene, oregon. it's 117 miles between the two. i am willing to make that drive. i'll work at the homeless shelter called sheltercare. they work especially with homeless youth and people with brain injuries. that's my cup of tea.

6. what will i do in coos bay, oregon, you ask? IT'S THE OCEAN!! i will learn to surf. i will learn to sail, and i will get my scuba diving license. cross three more things off my life list. i will find somewhere to continue rowing, because it's something i really love. i'll act in community theatre and volunteer at the boys and girls club. i'll read a lot of books on my back porch. of course you're all welcome to visit. there will be cold beer and records on the turntable.

1 Thessalonians 5:12-18

2011-01-07T10:57:00.000-07:00

"Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus".

2011-01-05T11:29:00.000-07:00

things i learned in 2010.

- faith and doubts are not mutually exclusive.
- god is bigger.
- people really truly do come into our lives when we need them
- strength comes from weakness being realized and overcome
- sometimes the right thing is the very hardest thing.
- things get better. always.
- googling bible verses is better than not reading the bible.
- god uses people we would never have imagined in our lives.
- being overwhelmed with grief is ok.
- being not overwhelmed with grief is ok.
- god does give us things we can't handle. all the time. but it's ok because he can handle it.
- family really truly is the most important.
- i can do really scary things.
- the mountains bring peace.
- i need to be helping people. i need to be with people.
- passions can be found in places we would never have imagined.
- sometimes the most loving thing is letting someone go.
- change is scary and hard and ok.
- trust is hard. it is also completely necessary. and completely liberating.
- office jobs are not my cup of tea.
- i don't care at all about ancient spartan history.
- it's important to be present.
- everything comes down to choices.
- regrets suck.
- god is always good.

Let the mountains bring peace to the people, And the hills, in righteousness.
(Ps. 72:3)

i would give you all of my sleep filled nights just to see you get some rest

2011-01-05T09:30:00.000-07:00

justin hines - wish you well.

If (Rudyard Kipling)

2011-01-04T09:47:00.001-07:00

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master;

If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with triumph and disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch;

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run--

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

the will which says to them 'hold on'

how the grinchshi stole christmas.

2010-12-23T08:01:00.000-07:00

i love calgary's new mayor, naheed nenshi. a lot. this is only one of the reasons.
http://video.citytv.com/video/detail/719340204001.000000/how-the-grinchshi-stole-christmas/

bucket.

2010-12-20T08:10:00.002-07:00

seeing my friend mike's life list inspired me to post my own. it's been in the works for years now, i've just never shared it publicly. it often changes, things get added, edited or deleted. i think that's the beauty of such a list. anyway. here's my things to do before i hang up my hat, so to speak.

1. Visit where Opa grew up in Holland
2. Cliff dive at Englishman River Falls
3. Hop a train, ride the rails
4. Marry the most amazing man, raise children with him
5. Find a career I love
6. Learn fluent sign language
7. Learn to draw
8. Read the bible cover to cover in a year
9. Teach English in another country
10. Learn to sail
11. Go on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem
12. Do a pilgrimage of Paul’s missionary journeys
13. Do a silent retreat for one week
14. Write a novel
15. Document a year of my life in pictures
16. Bungee jump in BC
17. Live in another country for at least one year
18. Visit Rome, see the Vatican
19. Get my scuba diving license
20. Learn to surf
21. Live in a log cabin by the ocean
22. Backpack Europe
23. Witness a miracle
24. Learn to cook Indian food
25. Learn to sew/quilt
26. Get completely lost in a different city on purpose
27. Take a road trip to the Grand Canyon with people I love
28. Drive across Canada
29. Be the very best girlfriend/wife/mother I can possibly be
~~30. Partake in a protest~~
31. Write a song I’m proud of
32. Speak about my life in front at least 100 people
33. Live for Jesus every second of my life
34. Swim across a lake
35. Read 100 classic novels
~~36. See the Dalai Lama speak~~
~~37. Get a tattoo~~
38. Go skydiving
39. Learn to drive standard
40. Learn to motorbike
41. Journal every day for a year
42. Swim with sharks
43. Climb a mountain
44. Learn how to change a tire and change the oil in a car
45. Own a jeep
46. Be completely comfortable in my own skin
~~47. Sport the dreadlocks~~
48. Do the following things alone:

a. Eat at a restaurant
b. Go to a movie
c. Hike in the mountains
d. Go to a concert
e. Travel

49. Learn to speak Cree
50. Learn to speak Swahili
51. Live in Greece
52. Address the UN General Assembly
53. Live on Vancouver Island
54. Travel to Biemnom with Simon
55. Grow my own food in a garden
56. Experience Montreal
57. Experience India
58. Find a poem I love to read and memorize it
59. See Les Miserables on Broadway
~~60. Read Les Miserables in English and French~~
~~61. Go whale watching~~
62. Ride a camel
63. Have a real conversation with someone famous
64. Be mistaken for a local in a different country
65. Learn to play the cello
66. Read all of C.S Lewis’ works
67. Learn to say ‘I Love You’ in 30 languages from people who speak those languages (not Google)
68. Take a ballet class
69. Go on a road trip to the best roller coasters in North America
70. Learn to play pool
71. Take a pottery class
72. Live without caring what others think of me
73. Write an autobiography for my children
74. Have tea with Grandma Olga
75. Be a foster parent
76. Attend a sweat lodge ceremony
77. Eat something completely foreign to me
78. Change someone’s life
79. Learn Hebrew and Greek, read the Bible in its original form
~~80. Act on stage in front of at least 200 people~~
81. Experience something truly beautiful
82. Pick up the violin again
83. Hike the west coast trail
84. Attend a life-changing concert
85. Do something completely out of my comfort zone
86. Visit the killing fields in Cambodia
87. Do something completely selflessly
88. Live out of my car for at least one month
89. Seize every opportunity that comes to me
90. Live fearlessly
91. Live optimistically
~~92. Buy a homeless person a meal and have a conversation with them~~
93. Learn to hear God speak
94. Graduate from University
~~95. Go skinny dipping~~
96. Go to a drive in movie theatre
97. Rock climb in the Rockies and in 3 different countries
98. Sleep under the stars

for the one who needs to hear this.

2010-12-19T14:30:00.000-07:00

perspective.

2010-12-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

"keep your face always towards the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you"
- walt whitman

top five: robin williams

2010-12-16T19:37:00.001-07:00

yes, i am bored.

i don't handle free time very well. it happens so rarely, i don't know what to do with myself. so here's what i've decided to do. show the world my favourite robin williams moments. ha. someone, give me a hobby!

for the record, this is me with one day of free time. like, less than 24 hours, and i'm going crazy. oh dear. anyway, the point is, robin williams is an acting god. so to speak. i have huge respect for his versatility as an actor. i watched patch adams the other day on tv, which made me think how much i love him. so here you go. top 5 robin williams moments.

#5. what dreams may come.

this movie is uncomfortable because it deals with very real, scary parts of life, but in a surreal, abstract way. it's absolutely beautiful and terribly heartbreaking.

#4. good morning vietnam.

this is an oldie but a goodie. robin williams is pure comedy in his role here. of course, like any good comedy, it overshadows a more serious plot (the war in vietnam, obvs.). but the timing and comedic play here are virtually flawless. not to mention, the soundtrack to the movie is just gold.
#3. patch adams.

i couldn't find very many scenes from the movie online (other than fan-made movies with linkin park in the background...) so i just went with the trailer. if i were to choose, the scene where he swims in noodles with the old woman, or of course his final scene in front of the board would have to be my favourites. but i wouldn't want to show you the final scene if you hadn't seen the movie. anyway, this movie combines both williams' comedic and dramatic sides perfectly. he is so funny and so poignant within one scene. the moral of the story: laughter is the best medicine. i can get behind that.

#2. dead poet's society.

this is my very favourite movie ever. i can't say enough good about it. it's old and kind of dated, but ultimately the story is timeless. who doesn't love a good coming of age story, really. it's about... growing up and figuring out that who you are and who your parents want you to be aren't necessarily the same people. it's about finally learning to think on your own. it's about passion. it's about carpe diem. what's not to love?

#1. good will hunting.

This is a life-changing movie. legitimately. co-written by the dynamic matt damon/ben affleck combo, and directed by gus van sant (finding forrester, paris je t'aime, milk), this movie explores everything. love and loss and beauty and rising above what you've been given. it's about taking risks and getting hurt and living. it's about loyalty. this is one of my all-time favourite monologues, ever. it's so moving.

'real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself'

hope.

2010-12-16T14:00:00.002-07:00

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." (c.s. lewis)

oh praise.

2010-12-10T22:23:00.000-07:00

truly he taught us to love one another

his law is love and his gospel is peace.

chains shall he break for the slave is our brother

and in his name all oppression shall cease.

sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we

let all within us praise his holy name

christ is the lord

oh, praise his name forever!

his power and glory evermore proclaim

his power and glory evermore proclaim.

watch this.

2010-12-10T18:12:00.000-07:00

recipe for a successful last day of classes all nighter.

2010-12-09T11:39:00.000-07:00

24 hours.
2 papers.
6000 words.
1 comfy chair
4 cups of tea
2 litres of water
6 bathroom breaks
continuous piano music
5 mandarin oranges
1 bowl of ice cream (thanks mom)
1 late night chat with a far-away friend (much needed distraction)
20 sources
33 footnotes
too many uses of the word 'thus' and the word 'therefore'
1 sentence in french? (delete, delete, delete)
1 pair of dinos sweats (totally necessary)
4 quick yoga breaks
1 friend who shares in the agony
1 mental breakdown (around 2 am. relatively small though)

finished product: an analytical review of the film Dance Me Outside and its historic as well as contemporary analogies, as well as a critical analysis as to whether spartan women really enjoyed the freedom many scholars as well as ancient sources believe they did.

the semester is over, other than finals (of which i only have 2 left). this has been one of the hardest semesters of my life, academically speaking. mostly i just found it very difficult to care about any of my classes. something about me was not engaging properly. i like school, but this semester i fell into some serious apathy.

of course, being me, i still handed in all my assignments and got quite good marks. it just doesn't feel the same as really enjoying what you're learning. because yes, i am a nerd who, for the most part, enjoys learning. this semester, though...nothin. i'm glad it's over, and i'm hoping that my development studies-packed semester coming up will pull my out of my funk.

on this little sleep, chances are i'll start rambling soon (maybe i already have) so it's time to say... goodnight? oh no. that would be too easy. off to class.

a very wise six year old.

2010-12-05T15:00:00.000-07:00

three papers left to do by thursday...

i don't hate winter.

2010-12-02T13:17:00.000-07:00

...or at least, this year i am learning not to. let me explain.

for the past... well, since i was old enough to have an opinion about it, winter has not brought me much joy. i've hated winter for a long time now. of course when you're little winter is the greatest - sledding, hot chocolate, snowsuits... what's not to like? but since junior high or so, winter has always brought me much grief and little joy.

yes, there are definitely things about winter that are hard to love. i work at 530 in the morning three days a week, and getting up out of your nice warm bed that early to scrape your car off...not fun. and when said car decides to die on your way to work, leaving you to walk to work at 530 in the morning...also not fun.

however. this year is different. don't ask me why. but this year, i asked myself a ridiculous question. why do i hate winter, anyway? and to be honest, i don't really know...
maybe part of it is how much i love summer. i adore the hot hot hot weather. and maybe in my extremist brain, loving summer means you have to hate winter. i don't know. however, the conclusion is that i've decided not to hate winter this year.

i say decided because that's really what it is. a decision. like so many other things in life, we have a choice to make about how we will react, and, to a certain extent, how we feel. it's easy for me to choose to hate winter. being grumpy about the cold and the snow is an easy choice. but i can also choose not to hate it. WHY would i allow such negativity into my life? i know that sounds very new-agey and blah blah blah, but it's the truth! why would i be miserable about things if i can choose to be happy about them? or at least not to hate them? it's liberating, believe me.

so. in honour of not hating winter, and to further convince myself of this truth, here are some things i don't hate about winter (in no particular order).

having an automatic car starter. although the heat in my car isn't the best (old mona does what she can), this makes a huge difference in my day. getting out there and being able to drive away is a small, but significant blessing.
all the traditions that come with christmas. of course christmas is on the list too, but that's obvious. the thing is, i am a huge sucker for tradition (maybe it's the catholic in me). going to midnight mass, or rock climbing and going to dennys to exchange gifts with jenn, or seeing my dad sing the messiah every year... i love traditions
snowboarding. and skiing too, but it's been a long time since i've done that. i haven't done enough snowboarding, mostly for lack of funds and time, but everytime i do i just love it.
winter mountains. i have a huge crush on the mountains, and the mountains covered in snow are just ridiculously beautiful. along with this comes winter in banff, which is crazy beautiful and makes me feel like i am in a musical.
the way the snow looks when i get up, the first person on my street to leave, and it's all untouched and white and sparkeley...
chinooks. the reprieve of chinooks in the winter is almost enough to make me want to stay here. almost.
the feeling of breathing in when it's so cold and your nose gets stuck together.
walking into a public place from outside when it's cold out, and you get that immediate burst of warm air
feeling like a great big canadian cliche as you don your parka, winter boots, toque etc. and yes, sometimes i do enjoy a slurpee in the winter. somehow the choice to live here in this ridiculous weather seems to make people come together as canadians, in that silly canadian way.
the excuse (as if one was needed) to drink copious amounts of tea, coffee, hot chocolate, etc. i love pretty much all warm drinks, and in the summer sometimes it's just too hot for me to drink them. but in the winter, it's rare to find me without a travel mug in hand.
setting up the christmas tree and decorating the house with my family.
hot tubbing in the snow. we have a hot tub in my backyard and besides the unfortunate trek to get there, the hot/cold combo is unbeatable. especially when your hair gets all frozen from the condensation in the air.
hoar frost, when it covers the trees. ridiculously beautiful.
winter clothing. as much as i love summer and the shorts and tank tops involved, you can't beat cozy sweaters, toques, cute mittens, scarves... the whole lot of 'em. i feel like i have an excuse to purchase hoodies and toques, which is always nice.
using the cold weather as an excuse to stay home alone, turn on the electric fireplace (or make a real fire if you're lucky), drink tea and watch tv. not feeling guilty for doing so (as i usually do) because it's too damn cold to do anything else.

anyway, moral of the story: winter can be really great. i am choosing to allow winter to be great. i still hate waking up at 5 in the morning.

did i miss anything? any suggestions of what you love/don't hate about winter?

freedom ain't freedom if you gotta buy it.

2010-11-30T10:20:00.000-07:00

turn off the lights and listen to this song with every inch of your being. it's by shane koyczan, whom most people recognize from the opening ceremonies at the vancouver olympics with his spoken word poem called "we are more" (see this link if you haven't heard it)

i first heard shane, along with mighty mike mcgee and c.r. avery, in their trio called tons of fun university, back in... 2007 at the calgary folk festival. i've never had my jaw drop like it did when those three stepped onto the stage. they were just 'tweeners - a short act in between the main sets, but that didn't matter. within the five minutes of stage time they got that day, we fell in love. we went to every side stage concert we could find them at. we bought every cd we got our hands on. we almost volunteered to drive them back to vancouver. legit, hooked.

shane is brually honest. he's canadian and proud. he's socially conscious. he's insecure and overweight and amazing. he puts feelings and emotions into words in a way that perfectly describes things i didn't even know could be put into words. sometimes i just sit and cry listening to him, simply because what he is saying is so... true.

this particular song is called "people are getting better" (featuring the short story long). it hits the hammer on the head so so many times within the short 6 1/2 minutes. i just want to scream "YES!!" to everything he says. this songs represents so much of who i am and what i believe in.

"freedom ain't freedom if you gotta buy it"

don't listen to it while you are writing a paper. don't listen to it while you reply to an email or have a conversation or anything. just sit and listen to it. you'll be glad you did.

sidenote: i realize i've been cheating lately by just posting videos instead of actually blogging. but hey, it's crunch time, academically speaking. five papers in 9 days. this'll just have to do for now. plus, let's face it, these videos are qual.

i'm sorry i'm a christian.

2010-11-29T07:59:00.000-07:00

watched this a while ago in bible study, it blew my mind. i wish i could tell this to everyone i meet.

i'm gonna turn to the earth and scream love your life.

2010-11-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

all of my love

here's a laugh.

2010-11-21T15:05:00.000-07:00

Bread People!

Source: http://pophangover.com/2010/11/18/bread-people/

do not lose heart.

2010-11-17T10:27:00.000-07:00

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

not all those who wander are lost.

2010-11-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

Wanderlust: noun.
Strong impulse or desire toward wandering (Merriam Webster Online)

In the past six months or so, I've felt so...restless. It's no secret that Calgary isn't my number one choice of city. Although it has its upsides, having lived here for 21 years, I'm very ready for a change. Of course, I am in the middle of my degree and still living with my parents. It's not really possible for me to up and move somewhere else right now. Instead, I spend as much time as possible travelling. Once again, my means (or lack thereof) make it harder to do than to just jump on an airplane. Instead, me and my 1994 Nissan Maxima (Mona Lisa, or Mona for short) hit the road as often as my bank account will allow us.

Here's a list (in rough chronological order) of the places I've been in the past while.

Red Deer
Mountain Aire Lodge (Sundre-ish)
Edmonton
Brandon/Elm Creek
Winnipeg
Sundre/Bergen/Camp
Canmore
Toronto
Lethbridge
Blackie (haha it counts)
Victoria
Lethbridge
and this weekend it's back to Edmonton

Ok. I realize that most of these places aren't the most exciting destinations. But there's something about getting on the highway (or on the plane for 2 of those destinations) that is just... necessary, i guess. On a weekend, or just a day, when I have no plans, I look west and see the mountains... all I ever want to do is get in the car. Doesn't matter where to, or what I'll do when I get there. Wanderlust, I guess. My freedom is something that's really meant a lot to me lately. This wandering soul is who I am supposed to be right now, as far as I can tell.

Also, if you aren't aware (shame on you) the title of the post comes from JRR Tolkien, in The Lord of the Rings. Here's the full poem.

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king. 

triple half-caff venti two pumps sugar free hazelnut two pumps toffee nut lactaid one hundred eighty degree extra foamy caramel drizzle on the top and bottom caramel macchiato.

2010-11-13T10:28:00.000-07:00

in case you were unaware, i work at starbucks, as a barista (glorified coffee maker). i've been thinking about posting about my likes/dislikes about the job for a while, and seeing as i am sitting at starbucks on my fifteen minute break as we speak (as i type), i thought i'd throw some of them out there.

this is my second time working at starbucks. i worked here in grade 12, before i left for bethany. now i have been working here since september. i applied again because i genuinely like starbucks. i'm a big fan of the coffee, and tea etc. and the company is good to work for. mostly, though, i was looking for a job that was just that - a job. i don't go home at night dreaming of venti americano mistos or anything. i just come to work, make coffee and leave. right now in my life, that's exactly what i need.

there are lots of things about this job that i really like. here's some of them.

as stated above, it's a job i can leave at the door.
free coffee while i am working. need i say more?
one pound of free coffee, or one box of free tea, per week
i genuinely work with some wonderful people. i look forward to coming to work because of the relationships i have built here.
i'm good at it. maybe that sounds bad, but making stupid expensive pretentious drinks is one of my skills, apparently.
if i were ever to move somewhere else, i could pick up and transfer to a starbucks anywhere.
our store gets a lot of regular customers, which is really nice. people are so happy when you remember their name or their drink. it's not much, but remembering someone and being genuinely happy to see them might just make their day.
making soraya laugh.
that baristas serve much the same purpose as bartenders - we hear a lot of stories from people. it's fun to be someone's confidant whose last name you don't even know.
singing along to 'tiny dancer' while i make drinks and having someone say 'you should be a singer'. haha.
early morning sunrises when i work opening shifts. we get the most ridiculously beautiful sunrises.
how mindless it is. people always say 'i could never work at starbucks, i could never figure out all those drinks'. but the fact is, it's all repetition. once you know what to do, it's so easy to make drink after drink.
old people who come in and look so lost. their order usually goes something like this: 'i just want a small regular coffee, one cream and one sugar'. they're cute.

there are days, however, that i really just can't stand it. i just want to scream "IT'S JUST COFFEE, PEOPLE!" here's some things that drive me crazy.

people that order 'no-foam' and ask you to remake the drink when the AIR BUBBLES are still on top. it's air. it's not foam. and seriously, are you allergic to foam? no? then relax and drink your six dollar latte.
people who assume they know better than you do. that lean over the counter and say 'you are making that non-fat, aren't you?' yes. it says non fat on the cup. you just watched me pour from the non fat jug. yes, it is non fat.
people who take the wrong drink off the bar, and then come back and complain that i made their drink wrong. NO! that has tea in it! you ordered a latte! it's not that complicated!
people who take the 'rules' so seriously. this mostly applies to other baristas. once again, it's just coffee.
frappuccinos. there's nothing else i can say about that.
when people try to 'help' when you're on bar and really just throw off your whole system. i know you mean well, but please, back off.
when i do something wrong. i know this happens everywhere, but i get so frustrated with myself when i spill a drink or something similar. when you've got 15 drinks waiting to be made, it throws me off badly.
people who are so far from understanding when something goes wrong. they roll their eyes and sigh a lot and make it perfectly clear that the fact that we are out of earl grey tea has ruined their whole day. maybe their whole life.
people who order a cappuccino, then complain that it's got too much foam in it. a cappuccino, for the record, is half foam and half milk, with the espresso in the bottom.
people who assume you don't know what they mean when they ask for a 'medium', and proceed to say 'oh, sorry, grande'. i am, believe it or not, aware that grande is medium.

by the way, the title of the post is an actual drink that one of our regulars orders. ridiculous, right? also, for the record, the things on the 'down side' list don't usually make me angry or anything. mostly it involves me rolling my eyes and chuckling to myself.

i've always had this theory about starbucks. the people (read: middle aged women) who come in and order drinks as long as my arm feel as though the only thing they can control in their lives is their fancy lattes. their whole lives are out of control, but, thank god, they can at least have their coffee exactly the way they want it. then when it's not exactly what they were looking for: cue meltdown.

moral of the story: be nice to your barista. trust your barista, they know what they are doing. it's ok if you order a complicated order, and it doesn't necessarily mean your life is falling apart. just don't think you're better than everyone else because your drink is longer. it really doesn't work that way.

i will not be shaken.

2010-11-10T18:09:00.000-07:00

Psalm 55:22
Cast your burden on the LORD, And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.

i love TED.

2010-11-08T16:18:00.002-07:00

one of the many things i love about rowing.

2010-11-08T16:16:00.000-07:00

not bad, right?

some things that are great.

2010-11-03T15:51:00.000-06:00

if you haven't heard of 1000awesomethings.com, go there right now. that's what inspired this list. it's all about seeing the joy in little things. here's some of my own.

pulling into a very full parking lot and finding a great spot right at the front
waking up before your alarm goes off and realizing you can go back to sleep
receiving a facebook message that says 'what's your mailing address?'
the smell of towels fresh from the dryer
the way your hair looks when you've been swimming in the ocean
wearing flip-flops when it's much too cold to be wearing flip-flops
unanticipated visitors at work
late night philosophical car chats on long road trips
the way dogs cuddle up next to you and fall asleep in whatever grooves they can find
old people holding hands
letting go of money worries and just enjoying things instead
burned cds from friends who know your music tastes well
getting real mail in the real mailbox
receiving gst cheques, which are never expected and always come when i most need them
pictures of people laughing
knowing exactly what will make a person feel better, and being able to do that for them
post-halloween candy sales at walmart
hearing songs that totally, totally apply to how your life is going
getting compliments when you feel particularly grungy
friendly strangers
a good movie montage, complete with inspiring music
polite children
polite teenagers
the feeling of having done something totally terrifying
the realization that an acquaintance has become a friend
receiving a text message that is so funny you actually have to laugh, even though you look crazy
when you think you know the words to a song and it turns out you don't

are you smiling yet? moral of the story: life is really great. got any additions?

truth.

2010-10-26T19:46:00.000-06:00

"we are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be"
c.s. lewis

favourite.

2010-10-20T11:59:00.000-06:00

you say life is waiting for the ones who lose control.

2010-10-17T09:53:00.002-06:00

it's been a while. well, maybe not by other blogging people's standards, but for me it has been a while. i can't begin to describe how crazy life is right now. i know everyone is busy and probably i'm just being dramatic, but i'm quite sure i have the busiest life of anyone in the world. or at least the country. suffice it to say that i leave home at 5 or 530 in the morning and probably don't return until 10 at night, only to fall asleep and repeat that cycle. today is sunday and i have to work 8 hours, which i am very unimpressed about. but that's the only way i could row in my regatta yesterday... etc. anyway, that ramble essentially means: i'm busy. i'm exhausted and burnt out and midterms are only just starting.

in between all the crazy, however, i did get the chance to have a good coffee date with my friend taylor. he has been living in berlin for the past year and only recently moved back to calgary. tay and i met through starbucks as well as my cousin brittany, and i love him to pieces. i really do. and we had a great life chat.

taylor brought something up that has been on my mind so much lately. it's funny how that works. we talked about the need to be present in our lives. maybe that sounds implicit, as in how can you not be present in your own life? but believe me, it's easier than it sounds. i'm not going to lie: my life is not all sunshine and rainbows right now. there are some hard things going on with me and with people i love. it's so easy to find myself living through those problems, as opposed to living in the present. living in the past, where things were different. worrying about the future, and what things will be like then. it's exhausting. and of course it doesn't change anything. bottom line: i can't just go back to where things used to be. most of me doesn't want to. i can't change what is coming. what i can do is live my life one day at a time. every morning i can wake up and think to myself, ok self, where am i at today? and what can i do with where i am at today? rather than lie in bed and just wish things were different, and just mourn things, i can get up and appreciate the things i do have and the situations i am in right now in my life. it's so easy to allow things to pass you by while you are sitting there wishing. it's hard. sometimes you just need a lie in bed day. that's valid and perfectly ok. but after that day, i need to remember to wake up and move forward. maybe not move on. the connotations behind that don't seem right. but move forward and be present. it's incredibly important in my life right now.

"today is the day which the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it" (psalm 118:24)

the other thing tay and i talked about was the idea of control. aye. this is a tough one for me. i don't believe i am a control freak. i really don't. i can be very good at going with the flow and all that. but i am fundamentally a do-er. when things start to spiral, i want to be able to do something to make things better. whether it's in my own life or in the lives of the people i love, i want to be able to make things better somehow. whether that means driving to where you are or baking cookies or talking on the phone or writing a letter, tangible things make me feel like i am moving forward in making things better. that in itself is not a bad thing.

what tends to make my life miserable is when i find things i can't control. there are people in my life that i wish i could just do something for to make their situations better, but i can't. there are situations in my life that i hate so much, but they are beyond my control. what does a do-er do with situations like this? i'll tell you. i try to do something anyway. i try to push things into being 'solved' or 'better' when they really can't just be either of those things. this can often lead to me making situations worse. it always leads to me feeling worse. i hate not being able to fix things. or at least make them better. what i've come to realize is that i only have so many hours in the day. they are never enough, believe me. i only have so much energy and so much emotion. so often i spend those hours and that energy and emotion on things i cannot change. i go crazy trying to think up ways to make things better, to change things. so much of my energy is spent on those things that i don't have any left when it comes to the things i do have control over.

coming to an understanding of 'i can change this' or 'i can't change this' is very hard for me. it's counter-intuitive. it's also completely necessary. i won't make it through any of this if i burn myself out on... nothing, essentially. not to mention, i say i trust god. i tell god i trust him every day. what kind of trust is this? if i don't allow him to have the things in my life that i can't control, do i really trust him at all? answer: nope. letting god have the things in my life i can't control allows me the time and the energy to really focus on the things i can. it's liberating and terrifying and so very hard. but that's probably what makes it right, right? knowing something is hard is usually a good tracker for whether it's important in my life.

"i know, o LORD, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps" (jeremiah 10:23)

there, this extra long post has made up for the lack of posting recently. feel free to add your thoughts, i'd love to hear them. oh wait, good blogging demands a picture now. ok, let's see what i can find.

these are my parents. before they were married. they were my age. it doesn't have anything to do with the blog post but i love this picture. aren't they cute? isn't my dad 70s? ha.

ps. the title of the post is from Tenth Avenue North - "Let it Go". I'm quite sure it was written specifically for me. You can hear it here.

the only thing worse than growing up is never quite learning how.

2010-10-06T18:51:00.000-06:00

there are songs i can listen to a zillion times and still just adore. this is one of them. it always calms me down.

keep breathing.

2010-10-05T19:29:00.000-06:00